Monday, February 17, 2014

Struggly randoms

I have to admit,

After some promising signs ... and a touch of the Mad Pete returning ... struggling again. I've gone backwards over the last few days. Things have got sore again.

Note - this is one of those posts where I acknowledge my struggles again. But not for long. Cos they're not nearly as bad as perhaps this time last year, I'm still in better shape than 1 month before last year's cricket season (where I'd written off the season) so I'm still hopeful of continuing recovery.

But - it is frustrating. Because every time I take a step forward and get some recovery happening, something happens to put a bit of that recovery back.

I'm still good. But some days it's tougher to stay positive than others. It's just so ridiculously easy to cause further damage (a negative for the attitude) without too many successes coming in (positives for the attitude).

Sometimes it would seem easier to get myself on the sick leave and stay home and hide. I needed to do that a few times last year (I didn't use sick leave except for doctor visits, I worked remotely from home). But to be honest ... I'm better off at work. There's a few reasons for that :

It gets my mind in a Fight It attitude. Positive mental attitude is vital to getting you through problems. Sometimes that's easier said than done. Like me with the realisation that I cannot bowl again, I could live with the pain I get when I try but ... the flaw in my bowling action due to a shoulder defect could be lethal to the person I bowl at. Not bowling any more is a choice I've had to take.

Being around good people. We have a bunch of them at work. Both in the project and people I know outside. I can trust them to answer my grin with a smile that cheers me up and to hmm ... stop me getting bored ? Sounds weird that. But I do crave interaction with others. I can bury myself in tasks but my mind is so active at the moment that it wants that multiple level of interaction. Like if I'm keeping 2 conversations going over communicator at the same time as reviewing a document.

It's appreciated. And it keeps me thinking about recovery or otherwise.

Gets things achieved. I'll play the games to pass the time but they aren't achieving anything real. I need to clear the house out, that'd be a definite sense of achieving something.

Aside - lethal bowling ? The defect in my shoulder means it's highly likely for a ball I bowl to go head high. That's bad. But not too bad as the batsmen are prepared to duck down or backwards out of the way. What makes it potentially lethal is that I bowl inswing, which would follow someone swaying backwards out of the way. I don't want to hit anyone on the head with a cricket ball.

More randomness ? Gotta be honest, I've got fixated on that heal/not heal thing. I'm still hopeful that I'll be available for the cricket season again, although that seems further off on some days than others.

The Mad Pete side of me is still going strong, although it feels like that particular wave is cresting. It's a state of being that has me more reactive, more impulsive (erm ... new car ... erm), more decisive ?, more rash, more brash. More everything. I like it as a state of mind, although that rash and brash side make for rough edges. I'll enjoy it while it lasts and I'll hope I don't critically upset anyone along the way.

I could do with Easter coming soon though. That's when I next have a decent break.

What to take from all that ? Keep an eye on yourself and how you're doing. Try to see how you look from the outside. I'm going to write about that soon. How I think I see myself. It's only fair really, cos I've talked about how I see others ... which was basically:

There is beauty in everything. Everyone has it. There's ugliness too but I choose not to acknowledge that and just concentrate on that beauty. The beauty is to be enjoyed, cherished and encouraged. Sure, some people choose to wallow in the ugliness, that's their choice. If that's not their fault, then help them see the beauty. Some do choose it though, like the lady on our floorplate who I really hope doesn't walk past the desk when I have coffee. (The looks she gives curdles the milk instantly).

Lol - yep. I can be bitchy sometimes. And she is utterly immune to the Grin. I dunno why she walks past the desk to be honest, I don't have a clue what she works on. She acts like senior management but she ain't on my team. I suspect an overstated idea of self importance, which turns that particular Pretty Lady (and she is) into someone with a look that curdles milk.

Mentioning ugliness actually - one of our Olympians has been given a hard time on social media. There's a reason I ignore Twitter, I saw the behaviour of its denizens on the Uksnowmap.com website. It's a cesspit. There's no control over the behaviour there. There's no central code where an offensive person gets ostracized or snubbed for bullying others. Yep, our girl (Elise Christie, speed skater) got things wrong in her events. But ... she knows what she did, she'll be feeling appalled at missing out and letting down her fans. There's absolutely no reason to make that worse. The message we should be sending her is "Huge hugs, better luck next time, we know you tried your hardest". It's too easy for the anonymous coward to bully on twitter.

And a bully is the lowest form of scumbag. I've been bullied a few times. Sometimes at school (didn't last long because I didn't react), a number of times at work. I hope Mad Pete hasn't bullied anyone without me realising. There should be people you can talk to if you find yourself the target of bullying. Trust them. If they're a good friend, they'll help you out. Even if it's just listening and telling you that you're not imagining things.

This is getting kinda deep innit ? Can't have that. Time to end with something chuckle-worthy :

Rumours that the end of the world is nigh are vastly incorrect. Or are they ? :

2 comments:

  1. Haha - another one raided from the Facebook :-)

    ReplyDelete

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