Sunday, August 31, 2014

Hibernation ?

Back to work tomorrow.

The main objective of this holiday was to get some healing in. That's mostly for the troublesome skin thing but partly for energy too ... I think I'm there with the energy thing for a few reasons :

I can feel that fire of the hyperactivity lurking in the background. It's like an electric charge where your hair stands on end and there's temptation to bounce off the walls. It also makes it much harder to get to sleep too, which is an especially terrible thing for me at the moment because if I can't sleep, I damage the skin even more when I fidget. (I know - bad me).

So yeah - I think the energy is back, although I'll see what I'm like tomorrow evening after a day at work. I have to watch the hyperactivity actually, as it makes me act without thinking. Which can be good, unless I'm behind the wheel where I drive ... faster. And scare people. But I view the hyperactivity as a wave to be ridden and enjoyed while it lasts.

Skin ?

It's improving, gradually. Some of my bits are much tougher than they used to be, although my ankles are still a disaster. I'm still my own worst enemy with it, I just can't resist damaging it even more. We'll see how it does over the next week at work. But I do see general and visible improvement with it.

What have I been up to ?

Lots of cricket watching :-) Some good (the county games), some really bad (the England games). Still worth watching for the cricket addict though. There was supposed to be a local England game in Bristol on Monday but that got abandoned due to the horrible weather we've been having. It's ok at the moment (looks outside, sees Yellow Face, hides).

Some gaming - I'm still not back to wanting to learn any new gaming systems so I've been on Moo2 and Defence Grid a lot. Moo2 is a space strategy game, Defence Grid is a tower defence game. I've been beating high scores on Defence Grid and trying to beat Moo2 again. I have a quite slow but if it gets enough time, irresistable strategy in Moo2. Trouble is, the vaguaries of the AI lead to it having enemies go from My Friend to I Hate You inside a turn.

Many music hours - iTunes tells me it's 796 unique tracks listened to since Friday 22nd. That's a bit down on my usual, which is a sign of how much cricket has been on the telly. There's been a tonne of good albums in that batch, I'm due posting the A to Z - K list soon and coming up very soon is one of the very best albums in the collection - Long Gone Before Daylight by the Cardigans. It's chock full of outstanding tracks.

And a film - we watched Lucy on Thurday.

Interesting film, very well made as you'd expect from Luc Besson. Scarlett Johanssen is as good as we've come to expect. Strange film actually, it's liberally interspersed with jump cuts to things like leopards chasing gazelles (it kinda makes sense in context)

When I watched Lucy, my mind was going back to another film called Limitless. They both share a theme that drugs are the path to unlocking the power of the mind. They go about it in different ways though. Limitless rubbed me up the wrong way by glorifying the power of the drugs. It gave a Drugs are for Winners message, which I wholly disagree with. I avoid drugs, if you don't absolutely need them you shouldn't be on them. Things like painkillers, if I used those I'd do even more damage to myself by not heeding the warnings from abused bits of body. Mind you :

I am on 2 antihistamine a day (8 hour ones).
I could probably do with sleeping tablets to knock me out and stop me fidget-damaging myself.
I'm still taking the vitamin tablets.

Anyway - Lucy's message is more a highlight of the dangers. The character quickly came to realise that the drugs would kill her, which is the antithesis of the message of Limitless. I'll stop there to avoid spoilers, although the Mind Over Matter thing was a little bit too much scifi for me. The brain is a massive computer, while there are unexplained phenomena like alleged clairvoyance and telekinesis, I can't rationally believe that even a hopped up supercharged brain can achieve these metaphysical feats.

Fun film though. Well worth seeing.

Last bit ? I've continued to lose weight ... I think there's two parts to this :

At the start of the holiday, my knees and legs were exploded. They were so swollen that it felt like someone was trying to lever off my kneecaps with a screwdriver. Now, my knees are nicely knobbly. Little bit scarred but that's the damage for you. I think some of the weight was in the swelling.

Eating properly - the weight's started coming off since I rediscovered the pasta stuff. So that's the F+B dinners, plus the pasta bakes I get from ready meals at home. I could do with learning how to do those myself. Home ingredients are more controllable. Plus there's the leftovers.

At the last check, I was down by 1.5 stone, to a weight of 12.5 stone. That's pretty good and is a decent target weight for my current build. Less would be better. I don't need the weight of muscle on my legs any more, although it's a good supplement to weak arms. Like, lift with the legs with a straight back, instead of breaking things by being all bent over. We'll see how the weight goes but I've shifted into trying to maintain a weight instead of losing more.

But only cos I don't want to have to buy new trousers !

Friday, August 22, 2014

Bring me cookies

I'm off work for a week !

Hurrah !

Yeah. Having a break for a bit. It does help that I can have a week's worth of leave for the cost of only 4 days of annual leave, courtesy of us having Monday off anyway. I'm not quite sure how I'm doing actually. Some times, I feel absolutely mentally and physically shot. I definitely need the break but I'm not in quite the same bad way as I have been on some of these.

A quick summary :

My ankles hate me. A lot of me is still shredded but my ankles are the most painful. Most of the shreddies aren't actually painful, just messy. But the ankles have been badly swollen and I'd actually admit to pain from them that's been extremely distracting. However ... if I'm moving around, they're ok. I have full stompiness available, except for the first few steps.

My hips hate me too, I'm not quite sure what's happening there but sometimes they hurt so bad I'll get close to letting a howl of pain out. My neck too, that's been feeling like grinding glass in there when I move it but it doesn't make me quite as uncomfortable as the hips and ankles.

But - I'm not actually that bad. I'm counting on the aches and pains subsiding as my body decides to return to normal. The aches are there due to swelling from the damage so as the damage repairs, I should normalise. My ankles and knees are already normalising.

Yey me.

I suspect switching some of my diet over to the pasta bakes is really helping there. The extra carbs are giving my body the energy it needs to keep on fighting. Plenty more of those to come tomorrow as well, it'll be Twenty20 Blast finals day and I fully intend to grab a pizza at half time. Timings are awkward actually, Doctor Who starts up again too and I NEED to watch that. (It'll keep on the recorder until Sunday)

Intentions for next week ?

Tomorrow's the county cricket final. Monday will be the first one day international. It's in Bristol, so I suspect rain ;-). I intend to have a very light week, trying to leave my shredded body alone enough for it to get some healing in. I think if I can give it 3 clear days, it'll make a massive improvement. But things like the ankles don't get that chance when they're under socks and in shoes.

We shall see. It's that mental battle again.

Sunday will also see the Belgian Grand Prix. It's known as the fans' GP. I'd love to go, was considering it this year but alas, haven't healed enough to consider putting any plans together. Perhaps next year. Things like motorsport tend to be better on telly because they have cameras all over the racetrack but I'd like to go for the experience of it. The smells, the sounds. All that good stuff.

I'll be listening to a massive amount of music. iTunes tells me there's 6 days to listen to still, that grew with :
Foxes - Glorious - it was going for £3 (dirt cheap) so I thought what the hell, I'll try that. I'm listening to the first track right now and ... very mainstream but promising. There's a good voice there.
Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack - awesome movie, excellent soundtrack. It's the "Awesome Mix Number 1" album.
Bobby Vinton greatest hits - this was playing in Frankie and Bennys the other day and I went "how come I don't have any of this ?"

I have a new quest that'll be indulged at some point when the food runs out. There's a Harvester restuarant next door to the local Tescos. The quest is to eat my way through the menu. It'll take a while because I'll only go in there when doing shopping but ... it is sooooo good. As a suggestion of how good, there's a good Dominos pizza shop there too. I'm a pizza fiend, yet the Dominos will have NO CHANCE next to that Harvester.

They're that good. Hopefully they'll stay that way. There is a downside though, their vegetarian selection is derisory.

I'll go see Lucy at some point too. It'll either be with Cyberkitten and BionicDwarf or ... someone from Okcupid ;-). Yep. Been having a very pleasant natter with a lady on there today and she'd like to see Lucy. Maybe ? That would be particularly awesome. (And I owe her a post about why I find cricket so special)

But it started today actually with a wander around the centre of Bristol. I find doing the shopping wander therapeutic. I don't usually buy much but it gets me out walking around in relatively fresh (as city air gets) air and around people. That's another of my contrasts. I can get really uncomfortable in a crowd but I also have to be around people.

Perhaps the Big Grin needs to be fed some answering smiles occasionally ? It definitely got those today. My ankles called an early close on the town run and sent me home via the cookie shop. And the girl on the cookie shop stand definitely caught that grin.

It was amazing - and so was the triple chocolate muffin.

That might end up being my epitaph (hopefully in a few decades) - Here lies Dwagonman, powered by smiles in life.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

A to Z - J for Joy of music

Another day, another music post :-).

It's the J's this time. Not so many this time around.

It starts off with a soundtrack - the Jade Empire soundtrack. This game was the first that Bioware tried on a world and combat system they invented all on their own. Before, they'd done games based on the Dungeons & Dragons rules. This one had mixed reviews, perhaps it was a little too simplified to make it go on consoles. Great atmospheric oriental style soundtrack however.

Alanis Morissette is in here with her debut, Jagged Little Pill. It still stands up as an excellent album today. Stand out tracks include the hypercute Perfect.

I've always been a huge James Bond fan. The movies are usually highly worth watching. My favourite Bond I think is Timothy Dalton. He was a suitably tortured Bond personality, yet definitely fit the role of master hit man. My collection is from before his time though and includes songs from the Connery and Moore era. My favourite is Carly Simon's Nobody Does It Better. I suspect a slight crush on Barbara Bach's super spy ...

I get some of my pointers for new music from Itunes Single of the Week. It's a freebie from random people. One time it was Lucy Spraggan. She's a singer songwriter who won X factor with her own songs. And if they're songs like Tea Or Toast, you'll know why. This one came on in the car and I almost blubbed. While driving. Fantastic song.

An old classic ? U2's Joshua Tree is one of their better albums. I don't follow them too much because a lot of their music, while excellent, mushes into anonymity. And their political views are batshit crazy. But it's not about the politics, it's about songs like Where The Streets Have No Name.

And that's actually it for the J albums ! Short and sweet today - so ... how's me ?

I'm seeing genuine progress. When I let it happen. My legs have been swollen and my ankles super sore. But ... that's because I've been attacking them. I managed to leave them alone more this morning and was rewarded with less pain throughout the day. Hopefully I can continue that theme.

I've also lost something and can't find it. It's a full stone in weight. You can probably tell I'm quite happy about that and I'm trying not to find it ... How have I lost the weight ? It's the pasta addiction I think. My body has a habit of developing cravings. They'll be pretty random and form a conversation with myself that goes pretty much :

Body : "I need food !" "Give me what I need ?"
Brain : "Ok, what do you need ?"
Body : "I dunno, just gimme food !"

And I pile into the biscuits, which just leads to the craving continue and the weight going on.

I think with the pasta bakes, the food need was probably carbs. My usual diet is solid protein. I guess I may have needed the carbs to give me the energy to fight what's been holding me back.

I have a week off work coming soon. I'm hoping to heal up some more over that week. 6 more working days to go though.

Cya soon !

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Into the shell

The news is absolutely full at the moment with stories about a lost titan.

I've not watched everything he was involved in, not by a long shot. But what I did see of Robin Williams convinced me he's a one of a kind and an absolute gem. I watched as much Mork and Mindy as I could, he was an absolute genius in that.

A truly funny, insane, witty, exciting, sensitive person. But with a dark side.

Depression touches us all, to a lesser or greater degree. It definitely touches me, except when my manic side masks it. It's nearly taken me from this world. I was having a particularly hard time with work (this is last century, the relevant people are no longer in the organisation) and while on the motorway, the thought hit me that it would be so much easier if I tugged the steering wheel all the way left at 70-80mph. That would have been painful and in the car I had, possibly fatal (bit weaker than a modern car). What stopped me was :

My mom may have followed me if I'd done it. I don't think she could have handled another loss.
Knowledge of what something similar does to people. I still have questions there, it's about an incident almost 25 years ago where I don't know where the cause was deliberate, malicious or accidental.

But yeah, I was seriously considering taking the easy way out. (that's the easy way out for me, I'd have been 24 with my only massive problems being bullying at work)

However - it's only easy for one person. For everyone else, it's absolute hell. What if I'd taken someone else with me if I'd tried to crash the car ? I have a repeating vision of me crashing a car with my dad in the passenger seat, it stops before Bad Stuff - but that vision still scares me because I've had similar precognitive visions that have since come true.

Is precognition an actual thing ? It can't be supported by any scientific theory but ... I've had a couple of vision/dream scene that have since happened. Weird.

Anyway - we were talking about depression.

It hits us all in greater or lesser degrees. When it hits, it's utterly crippling. Not just from the feelings of being upset and useless but also due to the negative feedback cycle it traps you in. It's a pit that drags you in deeper.

An example is me with my skin. If I left it alone, I bet it would heal fairly rapidly. However ... I keep attacking it rather more aggressively than I should. When I do, there's a voice inside going "What the hell are you doing ?" Yet I continue to attack and set the healing back. The condition is such that while I think I'd enjoy watching the boys play cricket, I'm not in a position psychologically where I can face watching a game I should be playing in.

The really tragic thing is when we don't recognise the symptoms overwhelming someone. We bear part of the responsibility for them taking that "easy way out" if we do not recognise and act in time. We should not feel sad after the event, we should be helping out before the terrible happens. Depression is treatable, whether that's from :

Medicine - to restore chemical imbalances in the body
Hugs - to convince someone they're loved
Smiles - to say "I'm happy to see you"
Friendly ear - to allow someone to talk through their problems
Kind advice - sometimes this is telling people what they want to hear
Honest advice - telling people what they need to hear
Positive reinforcement - making someone feel valued

A few of those are why I'm happy to continue coming into work, even though I'm struggling desperately with pain at the moment. (It's affecting my concentration - and it's due to those self inflicted wounds). I get smiles from the ladeez and my opinion, knowledge and expertise is valued by my colleagues.

If you can help someone out who is struggling, don't hesitate. I still feel bad about a situation many years ago where we spotted a female colleague disappearing at a great rate of knots into a meeting room in tears. Me and a male colleague looked at a female colleague with pretty much a "help!" look. I think my instincts had decided a lady was the appropriate person to help and that us boys may make matters worse. But I still feel there should have been a "Hi {miss} what's the matter ?"

Always remember though, if someone is sharing their problems with you, then they are trusting you in confidence. Don't betray that confidence, it'll make them feel as if they're the subject of mass gossip which will make their condition much worse as they'll be less likely to ask other people for help.

Ok - I think that's enough of my soul bared for one day !

Quick shout out to the lady who kinda triggered this post from things that appeared on Twitter today. I know when I talk Yogscast, it's usually about the ultra adorable Kim who I would love to meet again. But this time it's about the equally adorable Zoey. Our Zoey also makes great content, I especially enjoyed the Pokemon series, uniquely Zoey, definitely fun. You never quite know where it's going to go next and that's a common theme with what Zoey does, which makes it interesting.

But Zoey also struggles with depression. Big Hugs for Zoey ! While she had an evening on the livestreams last year, the depression is making it too difficult for her to appear on camera. I sincerely hope she manages to conquer that one and give us a smile on camera. There's two reasons :

1 - I'm genuinely curious to know what she looks like. I can usually judge roughly how someone looks from their voice and that voice suggests there's a shy and very pretty smile lurking below twinkling eyes.
But that reason, my curiosity, pales in comparison to :
2 - It would represent a major victory in a battle against a serious condition and hopefully a "I did it once, I can do it again" that will make it easier the next time.

So, Zoey, if you end up reading this, I hope you do conquer your anxiety. But don't feel pressured or rushed, only do it when you're ready. In the meantime, we'll continue to cheer for you and hope that Fiona keeps those hugs coming :-).

Friday, August 08, 2014

A to Z albums - the I's have it

Seems like I'm really crashing through these albums now :-).

There's still about 2700 tracks to listen to, I'm wondering if I'll have listened to them all by the time the 1 year point (end of October) comes around. So - how about these I albums ?

But before I do - a shoutout to an amazing film : Guardians of the Galaxy. If you're a scifi fan, GO SEE IT !!! It's the best film this year by a long way. Varied characters, an adorably psychotic raccoon and his guardian tree steal the show. You're never quite sure where it's going to go next and the humour is ever present. Hugely funny. I wanna see it again because I was definitely out of sorts last night when I watched it. Excellent music too.

First up for A to Z is a collection - I Am Sasha Fierce by Beyonce. This was another speculative buy. Beyonce has a decent voice, has done some decent songs but ... I'll not collect the albums like I usually do with someone I like. The saddest thing about this collection is that the best track, Crazy In Love, isn't actually on it. Why ?

We have soundtracks again ... The legendary game Baldur's Gate spawned a couple of companion games called Icewind Dale and Icewind Dale 2. They're based in the icy far north of the Dungeons and Dragons world of Faerun. I didn't play these the first time around cos of ... time ... and I was still trying to get through Baldur's Gate. These are more party based than story based. I really must give it a good run. Why do I own it ? It was part of a bundle ! Which means soundtracks ;-)

Alisha's Attic have been one of my favourite artists and Illumina is the album I consider their best. I suspect they were going through the ringer here, there's some serious emotion in these tracks. But my favourite is a happy one, The Incidentals. Actually, it's loaded with incredible tracks, from Barbarella to Wish I Were You which shows off the different characters of the two girls voices. Highly recommended.

The Hoosiers had a distinctive first album, followed by the Illusion of Safety. Sadly more mainstream than the first ... But Sarajevo was the standout for me.

I've always been a fan of Clannad and there's a lot of their albums coming under L ... But here we see a collection album, In A Lifetime. It collects together a lot of their best tracks and is well worth a look as a Clannad sampler.

And now something completely different - Art Of Noise with In Visible Silence. This group is electronically dominated, not much singing here. But there's lots of outstanding instrument play, check out the guitar on Peter Gunn.

More soundtrack ! Independence War and its sequel are another couple of space sim games that came out and aroused lots of interest. I actually bought the second ages ago yet never played it (lent it to someone and lost it for years !). They appeared again dirt cheap from The music is outstanding ...

About these soundtracks - I get them in the sales when the games are selling for maybe $2 or $3. Even if I don't play the game, the music is usually worth picking up as part of the package.

And talking of that, I've never played or seen Indie Game, The Movie but it's another Jim Guthrie soundtrack which stands up on its own as a quality bit of work.

Short one next - we didn't go as far as buying their album but Stiltskin's Inside was definitely well worth picking up as a single. Grindy guitar for the win.

But I tend to go for soaring lady vocals instead. Cue KT Tunstall with Invisible Empire / Crescent Moon. My favourite here is Crescent Moon. It's not just the voice, she's a master musician with the instruments too.

Not so much soary vocals but definitely wonderfully cheeky stuff comes out of the gifted Lily Allen. Half her songs are too rude to link but great to listen to. I think from the theme of half the last post, I'll pick the gorgeous song Who'd Have Known.

A golden oldie - Sleeper emerged with songs from the classic The It Girl. It's a definitely poppy album but Click Off Gone redeems it from that and is a fantastic album closer.

It Girl kinda spawned a nickname for a dear friend. A) She looked after our IT and did a wonderful job of it. B) She was the one everyone wanted to be friends with. I think that's the definition of It Girl isn't it ?

Maroon 5 is in here with It Won't Be Soon Before Long. Sadly I don't have any favourites from this. It's more of the same from Maroon 5, which is high quality pop music. I like it.

And to finish off, a pair of iTunes Originals albums ... These are special Greatest Hits style albums that go past collecting the best tracks together, they also include short snippets of interviews with the artists which add so much value. I have these from Norah Jones and The Cardigans.

Norah Jones is just such an adorable person and has a distinctive husky, oh so sexy voice. Lots of highlights here but I'd pick out Sunrise. It's not just the voice, it's how it's complemented by the band.

And talking of a band that combines with an amazing voice, The Cardigans collection was done before my favourites of their albums (Super Extra Gravity) but this collection is so good it may attract a post all of its own. I'm not kidding - when I finished listening to the collection, I started listening to more Nina Persson A Camp and Cardigans tracks from Youtube.

Cardigans highlights are : 03.45 am No Sleep, For What It's Worth, Please Sister and Communication. I guess with Communication there's a lot of synergy with my own situation as I struggle to connect with people. Cardigans lyrics are exceptional. They can combine ultra dark lyrics (e.g. domestic abuse) with ultra cute melody.

And Then You Kissed Me (which I won't link) is a prime example. And what Nina says about it on the interview : "it starts up totally innocent and then someone throws an axe at you ... [giggle]", with that spoken in that clipped Scandinavian accent that just makes the singing crisper.

This collection does miss a few - In The Round, Daddy's Car and all the A Camp stuff is magic. But - a collection can only have what exists when it's made. Keep watching for what I say about Long Gone Before Daylight, most of which is on this collection.

J will come soon, I've listened to all the tracks, but will listen to them through as albums before I post. I'm actually listening to L tracks ...

Cya next time !

Tuesday, August 05, 2014

Genius and Understanding

I have pictures today !

Two of em ...

First up - the Crazie mob are off to the movies again. We're looking forward to seeing Guardians of the Galaxy. There's been lots of praise for this one already. I dunno what the critics are saying (they don't like the movies I like) but word of mouth has it that this one is awesome. Perhaps we need more like it ?
Haha - Firefly (and Serenity) was awesome. It had its characteristic setting, which ranged from rustic rural cowboy ranching to ultra modern scifi cities. It was based on a small transport ship which had character all of its own. The crew was an assortment of richly varied characters. You could tell how they'd react (well, apart from Mal) but it was absolutely gold how they interreacted.

Yet a series which was so well received, was so well written, had so much more going for it than the average Star Trek (I'm a fan of Star Trek but it could be very patchy in quality) and had so much potential to go places got canned after 15 episodes only to be resurrected for the single spin off movie, Serenity.

A waste of so much potential. The lead, Nathan Fillion, is doing ok - he's been the lead on Castle for I think 7 seasons now and still keeping that interesting.

Other pic ? Here we go :
I've been on the Okcupid again.

I've got a profile there that I think is pretty decent. I believe it's well written but still has that distinct character I try and put in most of my writing (the formal stuff has rules). I have one of my better selfie style pictures on it. Yet ... no one looks at the profile. Not even in response to :

Peeking at other people's profiles
Sending messages to other users there

(You can trust me - they're appropriate non creepy messages although I have told one person that I recognise her from other stuff)

Yet at work and outside, hell even in Sainsburys tonight, the Big Grin gets its people joining in with big smiles of their own. It's pretty universal. Women see the SleepySmile directed their way, they smile back. It's as if they can't help themselves.

You can probably tell I'm very happy about that.

However - I would like that SleepySmile effect to be special for a particular person. Who'd I like that person to be ? I dunno yet. There's a couple of very special ladies who I have had my eye on. One's at work, one's online. I'm not sure about the one at work, I think she may be involved with someone else which is where I steer clear. But the one online is actively looking for someone, yet doesn't reply to messages that effectively say "Hey ! Here I am !" (not in those words - lol).

One of them was pretty much "Seen Guardians of the Galaxy yet ?" which is effectively the point of that site, to get together singles who would otherwise not meet.

So yeah,

I'm at that table, sipping me pint (of coke), wondering if I'll ever understand that section of society that makes life worth living. Perhaps I need someone female to give that profile a good going over ? Saying that, it needs people to actually look at the profile for that to do any good.

Wish me luck !

PS It's still a little too early really. I'm not healed (by a long shot). Some of the damage fixes within days, most of the damage is lingering. My ankles are really sore and swollen. But ... there is light at the end of that there tunnel, it is improving and I'm understanding the condition better.

Saturday, August 02, 2014

Calling Time

I had hoped that I'd have recovered sufficiently to at least make myself available for at least one game of cricket this summer. Alas though, I'm still pretty shredded.

Most of it is self inflicted wounds. Most of the cuts and slices repair themselves to invisibility properly, within 3 days. It's just the persistent bits that cause a problem, because those are the ones I redamage when my guard's down.

But, even with the skin problem, it was getting near the time when I'm just simply too old to justify being on a cricket field as a player. There's 3 disciplines in cricket :

Batting, bowling and fielding.

I turned into being pretty decent at all 3 and (when intact!) could have commanded a place in the sides as either batter or bowler. I've batted everywhere in the order, having the technique to survive as an opening batsman against the best bowlers. My bowling was very dangerous and I've won more than a few games for my sides by taking wickets at crucial times. My fielding was ... interesting ... sometimes good, sometimes horrible but I'd put all the effort in that I had available.

Curiously, the form never came at the same time. I'd either have a good batting year or a good bowling year. Much of that was to do with injuries, the year after my introductory season was blighted by groin strains and a back problem that put a major dampener on my ability to bowl.

Anyway - one reason for calling time is that my ability to perform the roles is no longer what I would expect it to be. And if I'm not performing highly for the team, then I don't consider myself worthy of a spot in the team ahead of other people who are keen to play. It actually goes further than that, cricket was becoming seriously hard work in terms of being able to run around on the field. The first two games last year were played in cold, dreary conditions where I just literally froze. As in, not able to go Warp Speed because the muscles had turned to concrete.

Batting - I've never been a big hitter but in the later years, I felt I was costing the team wins by batting too slowly. Perhaps that's a sign that my glasses were affecting batting more than I thought but it was mostly strength lacking in arms that were a fraction behind getting the bat where it needed to be to spank the ball around.

Bowling - it literally became dangerous for me to bowl. The damage to my shoulder means I have no control over the length it comes out at. Combine that with an action that naturally curves the ball into the batsman and you get something potentially lethal. It's a head high ball that's following them as they try and duck out of the way.

Yet there's still the feeling on the field when you see bowlers who are truly pathetic (we've had some who claimed they can bowl, they were trusted to ... and then bowled half an over of wides) and you know you could have done better. But that's coming from a strike bowler who was regularly economical and wicket taking. A key bowler if you will.

What did I do to the shoulder ? In the 97 season, there was a pitcher called Alex Fernandez. I'd been watching baseball at uni and the team I followed was the Florida Marlins, who had Alex Fernandez in the team. However, he missed the playoffs due to a torn rotator cuff which meant 18 months out of the game. (It's the muscle group that holds the shoulder together). He retired 4 years later aged 31. I heard of this after injuring my shoulder playing badminton. I'd gone for a jump-smash, missed it and tried to switch my shot to an underarm flick. My shoulder got levered out of the socket somewhere in between the two shots.

Cue a couple of months of not being able to pick anything up with my right arm because it felt like the arm was being pulled out of the socket. When I heard the diagnosis of "torn rotator cuff", I didn't think much of it. Didn't sound impressive. You can bet I went "Oh crap" when I saw the Alex Fernandez story ... As things worked out, I had that 18 months off bowling because I didn't play much cricket at uni and it was patchy after I started work. I do however have a pic from when I helped a work side gain a knockout trophy. I got wickets in that game :-).

But - all good things ... While I did get a few good years able to bowl again, I reinjured it a few years ago. Could have been a few things. I had 3 years out of the game for personal reasons. I lifted a 28" CRT telly on my own (oops) and I think I reinjured it playing badminton again (in a session at the gym at work).

I do feel it's sad though that the real kicker for calling time on the cricket is the skin condition. Although you could also say that it's forced a decision that's been coming for a long time now. I'll be 40 in a few months .... And that's a lot of years spent abusing natural fitness.

I've never really been one for training. In fact, the times I have trained have actually led to me getting worse. There's one particular series of circuit training where I gained zero aerobic fitness (where I've always been lacking), yet lost all of my extreme speed. That natural fitness has usually seen me get match fit during net practice or I'd catch up quick in the first couple of games of the season.

No - even without the impact that the skin condition is having, there's a few signs of Too Old that make cricket a really daft proposition :

Shoulder - goes without saying. It's not just the bowling, it's the throwing too.
Hips - I've damaged my groin muscles a few too many times. Ouch.
Knees - have always been unhappy that I have massive leg muscles.
Back - another one I bust with the bowling.
Hands - a lifetime of fumbles takes its toll

It got to the point where I had the option to go say hi to the boys, when the two teams I played for had their game this season. But I didn't want to go to the field where I should have been playing. It's as if it would have been too much psychologically to have it hit home that the cricket field is not a place I should be as a player.

As it happens, the Crazie mob was going to be enjoying How To Train Your Dragon 2 at the same time. Cricket mob to watch or movies with the Crazie Mob : No contest.

I'll still keep watching the cricket. It can be a compelling game, where the result is in doubt all the way up to the end. If you're lucky. Sometimes, the result gets obvious quickly and it's just a matter of getting there. The excitement of a Last Over Can Go Either Way game makes up for all those.

I'll make the plans for it too :
Lords for the Interservices T20 games will be an annual pilgrimage.
And I may well put the narrowboat on the Gloucester & Sharpness canal where it's in range of Worcester, so I could nab a fortnight in the summer to cruise to Worcester to watch a few games.

Yes. I'd quite like that. The alternative would be to cruise to London for Lords and the Oval, however moorings in London are supposedly much tougher to get hold of.

I'll leave it there - don't be afraid to call time on something like cricket. If you're not enjoying it and it's doing you damage, then consider backing away from it. I just hope you don't end up with feelings of unfinished business. (I never got a 50!)