... For a while at least.
We're about to see the close of another Winter Games but before I talk about that, I've been quiet for a few days. A conversation happened on Friday which I'm still very depressed and upset about. Not because of the conversation (which was dominated by someone inflicting his point of view on those who really didn't want to know) but because of the lack of respect shown by people.
What I look for above everything else is respect. And it's not just the conversation on Friday, it's other conversations and interactions where the feeling of not having any value builds up. When that gets to a certain point, matters suddenly get far more difficult to live with. You start questioning where you'd have laughed it off.
And that's what I've been doing since that conversation on Friday - questioning.
I've had to be very self contained over my whole life. I've always felt that the support I give to others vastly outweighs the support I get in return. I think that containment stops people seeing how I'm really doing. It's definitely in effect at work, where I've successfully hidden the effects of my skin condition for several years now. (Incidentally - the support I get from my boss is along the lines of "if it doesn't get better soon, go home" - no. That would be counter productive).
So yeah - I'm feeling neglected and the Friday thing was one of the last nails to be knocked in there. But :
The Friday thing could still be laughed/hugged off very easily;
(Although I still think the other person is an idiot, have done from what I've observed for many years. It just got upgraded to "blinkered" idiot based on what he said, although as an ambassador for Idiot Bikers, he's an articulate one).
All attempts to reach out to people getting rebuffed;
The occasional "Hey, I wrote something about you that I hope will make you laugh" getting utterly ignored (that's rude - it gives the impression that the other person puts no value in what you say).
Not knowing who to trust (there's a very small number of people I trust with what's inside the containment and a few of those always start finding things to do when I need to talk)
You can probably tell I'm very upset by the exchanges on Friday and narked by the other rebuffals over the years. Things like not hearing anything from the Naughty Angel and being ignored by another person when we were hoping she was ok after a Xmas party. We didn't see her again until she came back after Xmas and you can imagine how worried we were considering this was just after the Jo Yeates murder, which was local and that our missing person shared the same physical profile. I watch too many detective shows not to get worried about circumstances like that.
This post has been a long time germinating in my mind too. I've not known what shape it would come out in. There's actually more here than I thought there would be (I'll talk about the Olympics another time).
I've not really known how to frame this post either, because I know it'll upset someone (and probably draw tears, which I apologise unreservedly for).
Text is a very nasty medium to use. It is extremely easy to misconstrue what you read. You read into it what you want to see, instead of what's actually meant. It can be very difficult to get exactly what you mean into the words. And above all :
You do not see the respect two people have for each other in the words that go on the page.
Yep. A friendship has been damaged. But - friendships can be very easily repaired as well. If that respect is there. And the respect to recognise that whoever people choose as friends is their own choice, similarly the respect to recognise that someone may not want a friend's friend as their friend. I don't feel that respect is there at the moment (to be honest, it's been too long since I've had a chance to grin at them).
But - I know who I am. I get angry and upset at people just like anyone else. Some people I've completely given up on and it really confuses me why people go to them for advice when I know they'll get stabbed in the back (like the fella who used to be in our team who was a real snake - and he's not the one you immediately thought of). With others it takes more time.
There's too much anger in this world already. Too many people fly off the handle at the slightest excuse. (Especially on the roads, which was the genesis for this particular bit of aggro). We need to do something about that. Forgive, forget, put the aggro behind you. Come out smiling, it's a far better way to face the world.
There's a lot of people at work who can't go past my desk without spotting the grin and helplessly joining in. I like that, it gives me a lift too.
I know I'll be ready with a smile or a hug.
PS Comments disabled here and I'll delete the FB repost if it doesn't let me disable comments there. It's far too easy to fire off a response that you'd regret five seconds later after it's gone and far too difficult to take it back.
