Struggles

Here's a good one for me right now :

I get the feeling that if I had been able to leave my damaged bits alone, I'd have healed up by now. What I'm desperately trying to avoid in this post is turning it into a Pain Level = High post. Which it is (pain level). But I don't want to dwell on it.

Different people have different ways of dealing with their problems. My preferred method is to attempt to block it out and ignore it. Definitely to not allow it to get in the way of what I'm wanting to do. That's one reason why the skin thing has been such a big deal - it's stopped me wanting to join the work people in town and generally have fun in other ways. It's got in the way of me doing other things to move on with my life too.

But the baseline stuff, I've kept going with that.

I can well understand when people can't. Especially when the damage is all on the inside. I'm struggling on two fronts right now - internal and external. Fortunately I've been able to keep on top of the depression lately but that's been a struggle because of the constant 2 steps forward, 2 steps back of the skin thing. Especially as a lot of the backward steps have been self inflicted due to me dropping the discipline.

But I'm lucky there. The things that are making me struggle are very obvious :

The skin thing - it's less obvious than it was but one look at my elbows gets people realising I have issues there. Peeking at my upper arms on a Friday when I'm just in a t-shirt is a good one there too. They're still rather shredded.

That's where the Cone Of Shame reference comes in too. My arms look like they've been hugging bears ... bears with claws. Although they're not on the bathing cats level of shredded.

Muscles ... Ouch. This weekend has been quite painful due to a bad neck. I reinjured it a few months ago (had cramp while driving, ignored it until it went away, it hasn't) and it hasn't forgiven me for not finding someone who can give it some TLC. But it's still possibly obvious from how I've given the pained looks or been slow or deliberate in standing up. Neck, back and shoulders are all poorly.

Or maybe not - people seem very surprised when they've spotted the signs.

But at least I have the signs. I really feel for people who suffer from depression. I'm relatively up at the moment but I'm utterly dependent on my confidence level. I was having a really hard time of it this time last year, my every move was being questioned and I was being bounced from task to task. If I'd got a good handle on something, I was ordered to stop doing it and would be moved on to something I was unfamiliar with.

Grr. That situation is long gone though. It did have its effect, my confidence was shattered and depression was taking hold. Perhaps that depression was the initial trigger for the skin thing ? (No - I think it was the healthy eating). I dealt with it in my usual way :

Show no weakness
Out last the bugger

I can be really stubborn that way. I also prefer being around other people too. There's not many problems that we can solve on our own. We often need help. It can be a shoulder to cry on, a person to talk to, someone to give you a cheery wave, colleagues to recognise the effort you put in and who seek out and value your opinion.

The cruellest thing about depression is that it's all internal. There are no outward signs to show that you're struggling. And with no outward signs, people don't believe you have a problem. Their attitude changes and it can go very cruel. People don't realise that inside, you're crying out for help and can't take that first step to ask for it from the right people.

The key word is that V word. Value.

You all have value. You all matter. Whether you believe it or not. And that's one big root cause for the depression, forgetting your own value.

Even me ! I don't think I can contribute to the cricket that much any more but my team mates do. I don't know if I believe them. But I wouldn't get that positive feedback if I wasn't involved.

So that's my plea to the depressed people I know. Don't withdraw. Let other people in. Share your problems. Let them help you.

Even if it's just a silly grin because they can't think of much more when there's a pretty face in front of them.