Pain level ... high

Actually it's not, it's more like moderate ...

Yeah - this'll be one of those posts where I whinge a lot and hunt for a hug ... My skin's definitely getting better but I've been very slow lately. It seems like while the skin improves, the old injuries are reminding me that they're there again.

At the moment it's my upper body being stiff and a lot of soreness from my hips. I've had a sore neck too for I dunno how long. If you've never had a back injury, you're very very lucky. It feels like you're a puppet who's strings have been cut. You lose all your strength and an unguarded movement can make you scream in agony.

It's not actually that bad though. I have a lot of my agility available, as demonstrated by me dodging out of people's way.

But ... as anyone with depression will tell you, a person in a depressive cycle has a very difficult time recognising the positives and instead live in the negative. It's a very tough cycle to break out of. I need other people to help me out of mine. But it's not in the way you might think.

When my last relationship broke up, my depression went in an unexpected direction - I felt I was a wreck physically, not emotionally (because I was emotionally walled off and didn't realise). What helped me out of that was someone on the project who was an inspirational figure in her own way. She, of course, had no clue whatsoever, although if I am lucky enough to cross her path at work, I'll try and remember to ask if she's still sailing competitively.

I live for competition. One of the reasons I'm struggling at the moment is that I'm feeling I'm not competing that well either physically or mentally.

Physically - I'm slower even than when I was too fat. Pain level hasn't been "low" for ages.
Mentally - I've felt for quite some time that I'm not operating on the same mental level as I used to. Something's slowing me down and acting like fuzziness in my head. There are still flashes of what I used to have but I'm finding it more difficult to focus it.

There's that perception thing coming in again.

I think a lot of the problems I'm feeling at the moment are down indirectly to my skin condition. Right now, I'm coming to the end of a week with over 700 miles of travelling in it. Lots of disruption that my batteries have trouble handling these days. And that's after more months of broken and bad sleep than I care to think about.

I think that fatigue is deeply rooted at the moment. I'm also missing something in my diet that I need. I have that craving of needing to eat something but not knowing what. That's complicated too by being allergic to stuff that should do me good.

I'm going to stop whinging there.

One thing I do believe very strongly in is a need to acknowledge, analyse, absorb and above all else own problems that you have. Like if you see something going bad at work that you could do something about, don't stand back and spectate, get in there and own it, get it fixed. If it's within your grasp to do that, then there's often brownie points.

With my issues at the moment, I have to analyse them before I can deal with them. And one of the best ways to do that is to talk through them. Or to talk to people who make you smile.

We don't seem quite so blessed with that at the moment in the current team. I'm able to watch my back less (there were some dangerous and obnoxious people around) but I miss a few of the very good friends. You could say it was flirting but there's a certain objective to flirting which wasn't part of how we used to cheer each other up. Perhaps it's to do with those poisonous people that were around, our mob would be nonverbally saying "We got your back" to each other.

Hopefully I give that impression to people. That I have their back. I'll be on their side given the chance and if they deserve it. Things like me keeping people in the picture if someone was asking me to do the other person's job for them (like IT guru type stuff that they didn't want the IT person to know about).

I'd like to mention a couple of people before I head back into watching Youtube videos :
We have the original Finance Angel back ! Yep - Mrs E returned a few weeks ago. She's awesome. Nothing fazes her. She's always ready with a big beaming smile or a sympathetic ready to listen smile if she's detected that you're feeling down. And that smile is guaranteed to melt any blackness that's threatening to shroud my soul.
The one and only Craziequeen. Those hugs make you forget all troubles.
My darling Snow Queen. I Miss You !!!!! I know a lot of people abused how available to chat you were but I always valued every chance I got to try and get you to smile by doing something a little nuts or strange or random.
All of the Canteen Girls. Cos they're the ones who make the day start so much better when I'm on the hunt for teacake.
CK for being a good friend. Although I suspect that one or two of the people on the bus think we're gay partners. Lol.
The acceptance girls from the old project. This is another of the "We got your back" things ... The 4 of them that are still left still have an excellent working relationship going because they know that while I could embarass them when I spotted things that needed fixing (and a certain person would have loved as much ammunition there as he could have got), my first interest was always getting things right for the project. Point scoring is pointless and hurtful.
And the Boss too, although the people in her new team keep her too busy to chat much.

The cricket people have been good lately too. I know I'm getting older and far slower than I have been but they've been picking me up by recognising the effort I put in and making me feel valued.

That's what we all like to feel - value. That's the nub of what causes my struggles.

What fixes it ? Things like checking something out for the acceptance girls and getting a massive thank you coming down the email from Scotland when you find something that helps them out. Things like random people catching your eye when coming the other way and smiling when they catch your grin (even if mine is painted on a lot lately).

Oh and sleep too. It's getting late and this is a Mountain of Text now, so I'll hit post before I add even more ...

Things are getting better. Although I often feel I need someone to point me in the direction of the shininess. Or in the direction of the cakes. Hmm ... Snow Queen cakes ... wibble.