Never be afraid of the past

This thought's been rattling around in my head for the past couple of days ...

A friend mentioned "wouldn't want to go back there because of the memories". And I agreed at the time too. The last thing Ravenwolf and I did together as a couple was to head out to Orlando for a fortnight, with Ravenwolf then staying on for another fortnight with her mum and sister.

The overriding memories (it's faded a bit) of the fortnight is :

Chilling out,
Fun at the theme parks,
Being well looked after by the Americans,
Sun and warmth

Those are great memories. But I'd been thinking : "wouldn't want to go back there because of remembering what happened back then.". But while I will think instinctively, I always leave room for changing my mind on stuff later. Which I think still surprises people when I will snap from a preconceived idea to a different one in a heartbeat (I've raced through their logic and recognised its value).

Same with this one - we should always remember what's gone before. But should we be locked into it ? I don't think so. If it's a place worth going, think about what the root cause of the bad memory actually is and confront that instead of denying yourself the good stuff. I'd quite like to go back to Orlando again :-) Especially as the bad memory is from what followed the holiday rather than what happened on the holiday. I suspect I also won't be quite the clueless tourist the second time around.

My problem is motivation - I'm rubbish at doing things for myself because I feel compelled to do things for others. So I wouldn't want to check these things out for myself, I'd quite happily treat someone else to it.

Cricket is another source of bad memory for me (amongst the great cricket memories !) - mostly for injury issues.

I'll not play again at the ground where I broke my nose - but not for those fragmented memories. I was rather glad there was enough time left in the season to bat again after the nose incident, it gave me chance to confront any potential fear before it had time to fester over the winter. I still have the occasional flash of seeing a cricket ball 6 inches from my right eye, which I don't know is a real memory or extrapolated. But that's not the reason for never playing at the ground again. Nah - that's because it's not a fit ground for cricket, with a square that's marshy and very dangerous for cramp prone legs like mine. I always hurt muscles there ! After tearing leg muscles in almost all the games I played there, it's just not worth the risk at 37.

No - the big cricket memory has been confronted and dealt with and the others also get similarly managed.

The bad shoulder still affects me and as well as being unable to bowl it means I should never use power in a throw. But I forget about the memory of the pain and concentrate on fielding to the best of what I can do. Which means letting the captain know so I'm allowed to stay in close where I'm best.

Fear of rejection is another memory I struggle with though. Since Ravenwolf, I've tried a few times to strike up a relationship with other people but it's always ended up with stonewalling before anything actually happened. I like to feel I Matter to other people and that's a crucial part of my feelings of self worth. Memory and fear of rejection is something I still struggle badly with.

That's enough of my attempts to confront my bad memories though :-).

I think I'm dealing with them better lately because what's been happening with a bunch of other people has forced me to look again at stuff from my past. And after another look, it doesn't hurt nearly as much now as it did back then. Things like ditching the jokey but cruel "Evil Ex" tag for her old tag. Although I'm still not that comfortable talking about the details.

Back to the original thing - I'd quite like to go back to Orlando. I enjoyed the chilling out, the space, the fresh air, the warmth, the sun. There's a lot going for places like that, even if it is obvious it's all built for the tourists. They do it so well though :-)

Would I go back there ? With a willing partner, oh yes. Although that's tinged slightly with "why go to the same place twice when there's so many options out there ?" There's lots out there that I haven't seen or experienced.

Right reason to not go - been there before
Wrong reason - stuff that's in the past

But (and this is the last bit of Wall Of Text - honest) : the pain has faded for me, it's still very raw for others with those wounds still bleeding. However, always keep an open mind and allow room for those hard set ideas to change.