Monday, March 30, 2015

Quietly Struggling


Time for one of those again.

I'm really looking forward to Easter. This time of year is always especially hard for me. It's a long drag from Xmas across to Easter and I believe I'm one of the hordes that suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Perhaps getting a special day lamp might help me out. The light I get in my main room is a little dingy (it's an energy saving bulb and they're always dim) and more yellow than it should be.

So yeah, I'm grimly hanging on until I can rest up over Easter.

The daft thing though is, I should have enough reserves in me to have lots of energy. That is, I've gained the weight back so there should be energy waiting to be unlocked. Perhaps that's two sides of a problem ? Chubby = lack of energy = low metabolism that doesn't burn off the fat ? Could be.

There's more though. I've been thinking of one person in particular lately. She's been through something that no person should ever be put through. I'm not saying much more there because the trial is ... severe. You might be getting the idea that it's pretty major though. So major that while I have my own need to talk to people about it, I've kept what's happened with me and only me (which is how it will stay).

My need to talk is coming from what my unconscious empathy has picked up. I do that. I'll pick up on what other people are feeling and it'll often either confuse me or I'll go numb to defend myself from it. All unconsciously ...

My thoughts are definitely with that one person. Right now typing this, when I'm trying to get to sleep, when I wake up, when I hear a notification on the phone "yey ! message !". You get the idea. It's daft, I have trouble saying things like that to people, yet I can write it here. I think she's one of those irregular readers that keep coming back, so I hope she reads this and takes it as a safety-hug.

But what I can do is :

Never think of someone in one of those trials as broken, they're not. They have strength and it's up to us to remind them of their strength.
I can gently support.
I can be a friendly ear to let them talk through the trial. This is more necessary than people think, bottled up feeling (like what I've done a few times) is very harmful, especially when it breaks out.
And I can offer all enveloping safety bear hugs.

And there's the daftness I try and inject when I talk about things.

So yeah. There's a very special and impossibly strong person out there who I have in my thoughts, from waking to sleeping. I'd like to help her out.

And if the call came, all tiredness would be (temporarily !) forgotten and you just know I'd come running to help out.

Cos that's who I am. I think more of helping others than I do of helping myself. It goes further than that, the problem with my outsides has continued so long because I've neglected myself, making it worse instead of helping it.

How is that ?

I'm definitely improving on the outsides. Skin is gradually normalising, some patches have been reclaimed to soft, pink skin. More patches are steadily improving. But I have to allow it to heal, which is tougher than it sounds due to my "IMPERFECTION DESTROY" compulsion.

House still needs a lot of work and it seems like the jobs are piling up. I may need to rip out the bathroom and replace it ... The reason, lots of wear and tear and there's a leak under the bath which may need destruction to access. I also need to get the heating sorted still. The system can heat the water but not the house ... and it makes a racket while heating the water.

The house is something I really need to get sorted. It's a mess at the moment and I'd be too ashamed to have anyone come in the front door. See that comment about me jumping to help others while ignoring the help I need to give myself.

I always like to end these downer posts on an upper though.
Despite the depression attempting to have it's way, I can still count those blessings.

Lots of friends who I can talk about (most!) stuff with
Friends I can joke around with
An imperfect, painful body but a body that's steadily getting better and is mostly intact

But most important - there's a little lady out there who brings out, not just the Standard Pete Grin, but the Silly Grin that banishes all bad thoughts and brings out joy. She's being a bit quiet at the moment, which I fully understand.

May you all have that person you can turn to that banishes the dark and brings out the light.

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