Monday, December 12, 2011

Thinking about - Fear

(warning - long post, lots of rambling! Think I needed to talk through some stuff, not convinced it's all "out there" yet either ...)
There's a lot of "scared" out there ...

I was thinking and wondering about how other people see me. One random outside observation was "do I show fear ?". Yep, true thought. Completely random observation but it got me thinking about stuff ... I think it came from talking about what's happening in the future as work's going through changes at the moment. What happens when the current project work runs out of things to do ?

I prefer to worry only about things that I can change and accept the change that I can't influence, while trying to make the best of what I have. One issue there though is the change that's coming might end up being a change too far. We shall see.

I came to the conclusion that other people probably see me as fearless, as I refuse to allow fear to have any trace of control over me. That doesn't mean the fear isn't there, I've just quantified it, analyzed it and figured out an acceptable risk level. Risk can be fun too.

Talking risk - my fielding in cricket used to be pretty rubbish. I was scared of the ball. It's a reasonable thing, as a cricket ball hurts like hell if you fumble what you're doing around them. I've had amnesia from a broken nose and I've seen someone knocked out by one. I've regularly broken fingers and have a chipped elbow bone from one. I think I fractured my shin last year.

And yet I still play cricket (or I will if my leg recovers fully!). One question I asked myself was "Do I want to be ruled by fear or do I want to have fun?" I enjoy my cricket too much to chicken out. Another fear is the fear of injury, I have a pretty fragile body because I haven't put the training in the harden it. I realised that good technique and preparation is the way to counter that fear of injury (although there is one ground I refuse to play at because it's deadly). If you catch properly, it doesn't hurt. Drop a catch, you'll break something. Warm up and warm down well and your muscles will thank you. Drink fluid to replace what you lose and you'll be less prone to cramp.

There - fear of injury confronted, analysed and accepted. It'll still happen (like accidents) but preparation means the risk is lessened to the point where Fun > Risk.

Actually, I don't think it's a fear of injury, I think it's fear of letting people down. Season before last, I had 2 injuries that took ages to heal : Groin strain plus the shin. The groin meant I wasn't that agile (and it contributed to the shin injury) and the shin injury meant I lost a lot of speed and reaction. But - I managed it so I didn't let anyone down and I did that by fielding even closer than most sane people would ...

Ok. That's enough about cricket. How about other fears ...

I think that fear of failure is what dominates me. I love helping people out, I'll break out of the routine stuff happily if a challenge comes along. But if the answer doesn't come easy, then I'll go nuts banging my head against the question until I figure it out.

Fear of change. This is one of those where I've accepted I can't do much about the incoming changes at work because the people enacting them don't listen to my immediate bosses. So - I figure out where I'm going to fit in and see where I can get best advantage for me and my work.

Fear of being isolated. Being alone is boring. And I hate being bored. But with the team situation at the moment, I feel somewhat isolated. I'm away from the techie side and in with a bunch of people who don't care about the project I'm on. However,  It's great being able to natter to (and hopefully make laugh) people like our wonderful Snow Queen. And there's others on and around the project too who alleviate the sense of isolation. I suspect that's because of helping them out with problems.

I think I'm a herd person at heart. I like being around people. Maybe that's part of the "help people" thing.

There's a few other fears too. I used to be scared of going down escalators. I think I've conquered that one. Same with a sense of vertigo. Not so sure about the "fear of losing control", I had to walk away from an idiot last week who accused me of stealing milk. I think he got an education in manners from the line manager for his temporary placement.

I'm rambling aren't I ...

I think I've conquered or accepted most of my fears and I'm pretty good at hiding the rest. So people may think I'm "fear-less". That said, I still have that fear of letting people down. And I'm pretty wary of the idiocy level on the roads these days, although Fun Of Driving > Fear Of Idiots. I also have a fear of having things stolen, don't we all.

There's a lot of Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt out there. Some people even make a trade of rubbing in FUD to make money out of scared people. (I find that abhorrent).

If you have a friend who needs help to work through their fear, don't make fun. What seems funny to you will be very real to them. Fear is paralysis. Help them through it. They'll thank you later.

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