Get up and ... gone ...

Really struggling at the moment.

I depend on feeling valued and a part of things. If I don't feel either of those, I start wondering what my place is in things. Bit like in the Fear post below (which was supposed to have the "The only thing to fear is fear itself" quote in it). I've been feeling isolated, the opposite of being part of what's happening.

I have a deep seated need to help people and if I'm isolated, then I don't get the opportunity/reason to satisfy that need to help out. And with the team situation at the moment where my old (fantastic) team has been disintegrated and splintered into numerous other teams, that isolated feeling has been growing. The team my section is currently in don't want us there. They see our project and shrug, while we shake our heads at them ignoring the incoming trainwrecks we try to tell them about.

Doesn't help that there's quite a few objectionable characters in there who set a bad tone. Whereas my mini-section escapes them in a few months with the next shake around, I feel bad for those who are being prevented from having the option to escape what is a bad team (with a selected few certain personalities forming some wonderful exceptions). It's strange how the culture of two teams doing the same thing, albeit a few years apart in progress, can be so utterly different.

It also doesn't help that it's gone cold, so as well as the psychological issue there's a physical issue as well with cold related pain coming through.

I don't have a total lack of appreciation, a little "VMT" (very many thanks) from the real boss for helping him out with the info he needs goes a long way. And I don't feel a total lack of value because I know I'm still contributing to the project going ahead. But it's being a strain for that to actually register in that part of my brain that governs my motivation.

I guess it's also tiredness, definitely needing the break over the Xmas period.

What I should be doing right now is getting happily addicted to Star Wars Old Republic (my early access code came through) but all I'm really wanting to do is curl up in a ball. And that's not me. I think I need either a burst of adrenaline or the confidence that would come from someone wanting to know me for my personality, not what they can use me for.

I guess I may be seeing some futility in what I Want to be doing, which suggests I should be looking at doing something different in both personal and professional life instead of what I traditionally do : wait and see what happens. One problem I have is that while I can put Wall Of Text here, I'm usually dumbstruck when it comes to actually saying things out loud.

Doesn't help when you're desperately in need of a hug.

But for the moment, I'll settle for a hot shower in the hope of warming up enough for my back to survive the team(s) Xmas party tomorrow.