Friday, January 30, 2015

Upsies Downsies

Wow. I'm beat.

Tired I mean. It's been a long couple of weeks with lots of travel and this weekend will be my first chance to properly relax since a few weeks ago. Saying that though, I'll be getting the car serviced tomorrow morning which means another early start.

And then there's another week where I'll have maybe the grand total of ... 3 hours at my desk ? Maybe more. Depends how a few meetings ago. Yep. On the road again. And now I've managed to do it once, I know what image I MUST HAVE on the start up screen for the car :
Yes. I do believe that's going to have to go in the car at some point. At the moment, it's the Feed Me Mini Eggs dwagon.

Upsies Downsies ?

That's what my personality has been doing lately. I feel better able to take on my problems now. I've set aside some of what was causing me stress and depression and put that back in the past. I've moved on from a couple of things and can better recognise the positives.

I'm still a decent way off being properly healthy but I'm so much better than I was even maybe a year ago. The problem is still one of avoiding doing damage to myself. It's figuring out how to get myself off to sleep better (lack of sleep leads to fidgeting leads to damage). It's avoiding idly worrying at the bad bits, only to make them massively worse. With that sleep, it's figuring ways of positioning that don't put more stress on faulty skin.

Avoiding stress basically. And having those smiles come my way too.

I seem to be able to talk to people much better than I used to be able to. I still stammer and struggle to get the right words out (part of that is the various head injuries) but I'm at least able to hold that conversation without going off into blank-face. That's one strange thing about the difference between me writing here and in the real. I can do massive Wall Of Text here but am quieter IRL.
I dunno, maybe it's recognising that there's more to talking to girls than the simple "Would you like a coffee ?" Treating people like equals is always good. And I'm equally liberal to everyone when I pull out the smile and grin at them.

Actually, I don't treat everyone as equals. There's some who are up on that pedestal of awesomeness.

Perhaps it's seeing a bit of value come back from others.

There's the little lady who I see as a Big Sister. (You know who you are and it's a huge lift to know you're looking out for me !)
I'm sure one of the cleaning girls has a crush (which I'm not trying to encourage at all - honest)
Friends, old and new have their eye on me and want to know I'm ok (even the one who recoiled in "that's nasty !" at seeing a mostly healed forearm)
That certainty of feeling that suggests someone is watching your bum as you walk past their desk.
People are digging the scarf (there's a stranger on the bus who chats)

People just seem to genuinely like me and having me around, which honestly puzzles me. I know I treat people right and can usually add some value to what they're talking about through experience, knowledge or just the Crazy. But I struggle to accept being that centre of attention person.

Perhaps it's because I look to others for approval a bit too much. I'll focus on a very small number of people I see as super special and I'll look for approval from them and in doing so, miss the virtual and not so virtual hugs and SMILE PETE's that come from my core friends.

I think me simplifying down that group I was looking for approval from has helped boost me. The negatives from not getting responses (positive or negative) have gone away. That's weird isn't it. By giving up on 2 people in particular, losing hope you could say, I've got happier.

Perhaps it's in seeing occasional clues that one of those people is keeping her eye on me, even though there's rarely a message from her to me. Things like seeing a screen capture from a livestream get used for a Youtube thumbnail (I'm sure it was mine, it's too similar to be someone else's). That got me doing an "Oh wow ! :-)" when I saw it, although it was irksome that I didn't get a reply to the "didja use my pic, if so awesome".

But all that pales into insignificance compared to the smiles and boosts I from talking to one particular little lady.

Ok. More than one, because our Snow Queen has been keeping my spirits up letting me talk through stuff. But I know SQ won't mind a bit when I say that the messages from Cupid's Gift are doing that much more to make me smile.

CG makes me laugh. She can keep up with my mind when it goes on its strange tangents. She's smart and interesting. She understands me and I really do hope we get to see each other again soon. Cos I'd like to do more than buy her desserts and cookies. I'd like to be that island for her too to allow her to properly relax.

Which is what I'm intending to do when I get back from the car service tomorrow :-)
Yes. The cake (actually a white chocolate igloo with edible penguins) was delicious.

PS Go see Ex Machina if you can ! Excellent movie. Thoughtful, thought provoking, superbly acted, keeps you guessing. Really enjoyed that today.

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