Tuesday, November 11, 2014

There's a post in here somewhere ...

I'm having those uppers and downers again.

On the one hand, I can flip into that hyperactive state that sees me bouncing off the walls and thinking so quickly I can't get any words out when trying to speak. On the other, there's the danger of the depression triggers being flipped when I look for a response but don't get one.

Personally, I'm seeing good things and bad things with what's going on with me :

Good - the skin problem genuinely seems to be retreating with bad bits being reclaimed. It's happening slower than I'd like though.
Bad - my back and neck really hates me. My neck's been getting gradually stiffer and stiffer and could do with a bit of TLC. My arms and legs do what I tell them to and the lost range of movement doesn't really affect me most of the time (bowling is all done, crossing legs can be awkward). I think most of the neck and back trouble is tied up with my problems getting to sleep.

Sleep ? Yep. Is an issue. What I need to learn is a mental programme to send me off to sleep. I used to have one that got the ZZzzz's but it's not working too well. My mind races through all kinds of thoughts. Sometimes it's wondering if I'll get replies to messages I send out. Sometimes it's seeing faces with smiles and laughter that I wish were directed my way. Or even just that soft smile we save for someone special.

I've had a few of those faces pop up in my mind over the years, Sometimes it's people I know from work, sometimes it's people like the little lady off the videos. Now it's another little lady I hope to meet for real very soon.

Good - I love it when I get a response. I've been fairly active on Twitter since I joined and I'm now following over 100 people. Most of those are very interesting people. Some are ordinary people who need a little help. And it's great when you get a response (even if it's just the "favourite" button being hit) when you send over a message. I see the messages on there showing people are in pain, I'll tell them something supportive.

Perhaps that's what I'm here to do - to find those in pain and help them feel a little better. Even if it's just sending smiles their way.

Bad - I have that need to have a response when I do things for other people. Not necessarily a "thank you" but any response. What causes me most stress is when I pour effort (and usually a bit of my soul) into doing something nice for someone and I don't even get the acknowledgement.

It's makes me less motivated to do the nice things again. I'm not creative in the way that an artist can make a pen do magic things to a bit of paper but I can think of a concept and make one image into another. (This is why I'm frustrated with GIMP, cos it's harder to use than PE1).

But yeah, my biggest motivation is when I can do nice things for other people. Sometimes that's a Grin to bring a smile from them. Sometimes it's a bit of work they need. Sometimes it's a comment to make them feel better, sometimes it's making one of those pictures.

So you can imagine it does strange things to my mind when I make comment after comment after comment and don't get any feedback. (3 replies in 6 months - but I hope knowing that doesn't make me Mad Stalker, just a person with a good memory who invests a lot in looking for a reply). I suspect I may be getting lost partly in the noise but ... you look at some threads I respond to and ... I'm the only reply.

I guess with the person I'm thinking of there, it may show a difference between Public Face and Private Face. You fall in love with the Public Face (and it is incredibly cute, adorable and has remarkable intelligence and humour behind it) but don't realise the Private Face is rather different. I guess you could call that dodging a bullet by not ending up in a position with someone who isn't who you thought they were. And yet you see the things she says and you know there's so much compatibility there, at least as far as the Public Face goes.

(I suspect there's actually something going on which isn't for Public Eyes, which would explain the lack of response)

I'm hoping for something rather better when I meet the other little lady who's picture has been cropping up in my mind lately. A description of a cute, quirky, intelligent, active and lively lady caught my eye enough for me to break the reticence and get in touch. And over the conversation since, I've just got more and more interested. I suspect there will be a fair few smiles when we do meet.

And hugs too. I'm still missing the hugs I could do with after a second viewing of Interstellar. The reason that film gets to me is that it heavily stresses the themes of Duty, Honour and Family. Certain bits of the story deal with unresolved emotions.

Or is it a more romantic Sleepy coming out ? That could be interesting .... I hope so. Because if I can get a lady to smile due to thinking of romantic things, then that'll get me beaming too.

Cos that's what I live for - making other people happy. Perhaps that's another aspect of the depression trigger ? I.e. I do something nice, I don't get a notion of whether it makes them happy, the dark bits of my mind assume they hated it and that makes me unhappy.


Oh I also live for Running Very Fast and I'm getting closer ...

I actually hit the Warp Speed button last night when coming in to the cinema from the car park. Result ? Everything works mechanically, I just need to rebuild muscles and twitch responses to get Warp Speed back again. But ... the legs responded properly (even if my quads were misfiring!) and even if it wasn't the speed that saw me clocked at 11 secs over 100m at age 14 (last time I had the watch on me before my knees went bang and then my back), it still felt good. Very loose technically but still promising that I'm still capable of it (even at my age - lol !).

And that felt good. Not as good as if the wind were rushing through my ears but still good.

Yeah - uppers and downers. But with that, I'm looking forward to hopefully meeting a little lady on Monday. I have big hopes but don't want to jinx anything.

Join me in hoping it works out ? Cos my confidence could do with the boost.

PS This may also be a sign of me tiring and looking for the Xmas break to come. Yeah, could be ... but I do find thoughts of tiredness evaporate when there's a Pretty Lady smiling at me.

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