Nets tonight

And even before they start, it feels like I've been beaten up again ...

I'm going to defer Pink Hat Project (or change what I'd do for it). And I'm very disappointed about that as it means I can't assure myself that I'd be able to throw myself into every game possible this year. Taking stock of the issues at the moment :

Leg - the infection that kept me out of cricket last year improved quite a bit. It's not been icky since about December. I think the infection is completely gone now but the leg is not yet healed and still flares up when I wear the wrong thing.

If I did launch Pink Hat Project as a season long thing, I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't have to pull out mid season due to the leg becoming infected again.

General frailty - I carry a bunch of old injuries that like to remind me and slow me down. At the moment, it's the hip injury but I'm also getting flashes of pain from my upper body and lower back that I cannot relieve through stretching out. I have a finger that's decided it wants to tell me it's at broken+3weeks.

It sounds like general depression inspired whinging (I am in a depressive cycle right now) but I just don't have the confidence that I won't break down a few games into the season. Hence keeping in reserve the option to take a fortnight or so away from cricket if I need to. And I probably will need to at some point.

But ... I will still wear the Pink Hat at every opportunity in honour of a fallen colleague who passed away not 3 weeks ago now. I just won't do it as a massive thing that would put so much pressure on me I'd permanently break something through pushing myself to play when I'm already injured.

And thinking about it, I think a bounty will be in order if I do pass certain goals this season :
Score a 50 (never got one, should have done),
Get runouts or stumpings (wonderful if they happen, opportunities are rare)
Get 10 catches over the season (this is likely)
Or even less likely - get wickets (depends if I can/do bowl)

So instead of doing it on just turning up and being mediocre, having a bounty on doing something that's worth a reward. I like that better. I'm only expecting I have 1, maybe 2 (3 at absolute max) seasons left in me before I can no longer command a place in a team on merit and I've already lost one of the reasons for being in a team due to the bowling. Batting I'd be able to do at age 50 but if I don't have the speed in the field then that's the point where I can't justify being in a team.

Still - it seems like I'm writing off my chances and disappointing myself before even trying to see what I have available. I'll see how it goes at the practice tonight.

At the end of the day it's motivation. I need to appear strong for other people to give me the impulse to feel strong myself. Perhaps I need a cheerleader to tell me I can achieve stuff even when the depression makes me believe that I can't ? (Please let it be a cheerleader with intelligence!)