Looking for a little ... feedback ?

I have to admit, today wasn't one of my best days.

I do flip between a Happy State and a Sad State. Often, it's beyond my control when I flip into the Sad State, so I ride the wave of the Happy State as much as possible. A big trigger of Sad Pete is when I think I'm being ignored or otherwise being deprived of the human contact that I crave.

(That was only part of the story today - a big part was the self discipline slipping and me doing some more damage - oops !)

That combined with definitely lacking on the energy today made things somewhat miserable. Being in the Sad State has other effects too. I'm sure other people who suffer from depression will recognise the feeling that the world just doesn't care about you. Having a lack of feedback when you try to talk to or send messages to people reinforces that feeling of being unloved.

You've seen me mention Okcupid here a few times haven't you ? I have no issues whatsoever with the site. It's fast to navigate on both mobile and desktop versions. It presents matches clearly. It has a well realised editor. It's a great site and the Match % couples fairly well with what I read in people's profiles.

But ... And this is the big but. A site like that depends on the people on it for successfully fulfilling its purpose of making singles into partners.

What's the result so far ? I've been messaging occasional people on there as their words and pictures catch my eye. I usually put a compliment in there and / or questions based on what I've read in their profile.

So - how many answers, how many ignore ?

I'll go back to 1st August when I was feeling a lot better and thinking recovery was just around the corner. I've sent initiating messages to 16 lovely ladies. Of them, I've had :

2 sorry not interested or talking to someone else. I'm ok with that. They showed a little interest and had the courtesy to reply. I wish those two ladies well.

That's what I'm all about. If a lady goes off with another bloke, I'm fine with that. What's important is that they're happy. If that happens to be with someone else instead of me, that's ok. It doesn't do much for my need for Hug but their happiness is what counts.

Back to numbers - 2 had short conversations, of which 1 was fairly promising. Until I translated my description of "shredded". Not heard from her again, despite : My condition will fix in time. Her condition will not (she has a degenerative skeletal disease).

1 lengthy conversation with a lovely interpreter lady. That conversation had me grinning madly, especially when she diagnosed me as having the Crazy. I like the Crazy (happy crazy, not lock me up crazy) because it means unpredictable spontaneity and hopefully fun. I hope I hear from her more. She was interesting and I don't use that word with many people.

That leaves 11 ladies who did not bother replying - at all. Even to the questions I asked them based on what's in their profiles. I'd call that rude but it goes beyond that into being obnoxious.

I see that lack of response way too much actually. There's another lady I talk about here a little too much perhaps who hasn't given me anything by way of response. I know she checks the posts because Google privately gives me the fingerprint trace that shows the link they click to get here. But I get no response back. That shows either :

Lack of interest - just let me know that. There's a 12 year age difference which I think unnerves her.
Shy inhibitions - there's only one way to fight that, go outside the comfort zone.

Yeah - I'm a bit upset at the world at the moment, feeling unloved.

But ... this is my message to all the people reading this who are touched by depression. Remember the positives. For me, it's keeping a few faces in my mind :

The lady down south who is new to the organisation. I've been helping her figure out how everything fits together and she's been helping me from her own specialisation too.

(People say I'm an outrageous flirt. That's true. I don't deny it. But ... If the flirting and being nice to people means they answer my questions quicker, I'll keep doing it. Besides, it costs nothing to be nice and makes everyone feel better.)

I caught the Snow Queen around lunchtime on Tuesday. And had the benefit of that little smile she carries around. Our Snow Queen is amazing, even at my most confusing, she can follow what I'm thinking. That's tough and shows how smart and understanding she is.

All those hugs from CrazieQueen. She suffers more than I do and those hugs help us both out.

Having an email out of the blue from the Naughty (but so Nice) Angel. And then completely coincidentally spotting her waiting for a lunchtime meet up. It was great to talk again.

Having all those people at work who answer my smile with their own and often a Hello. That definitely helps being my smile back.

But lastly, Miss Barbara. Her name's not Barbara but she is almost the image of a childhood sweetheart of that name (and I'm struggling for codename inspiration). She'll walk past my desk and try not to be distracted by the grinning idiot looking up at her. But if she catches the grin, her face will first twitch and then erupt into an ear to ear smile.

And it's those smiles that make life worth living. And it's smiles like that which help point the way to finding my Happy Pete mojo again.