Tuesday, September 17, 2013

On Grudges ... and holding on to them too long

I often write about getting Big Grins from people.

Even random people. They'll spot my weird grin, possibly see me catching their eye and they can't help themselves but grin back. I like my grin. It cheers people up.

But not everyone ...

My last ex, Ravenwolf, works in the same set of buildings as me. She actually works in a similar line of business looking after similar kit, although there's a world of difference between what I do and what she does. (I'm there to contribute brainpower).

Ravenwolf never smiles back, she barely acknowledges my presence now. That gets me wondering : "What did I do that was so bad that she hates me that much ?"

I dunno.

I believe the break up was fairly clean, although it took longer than both of us wanted to settle accounts (naughtiness from a solicitor who wanted to take business to his new practice). There was a small matter of house equity to split up. I think she wanted me out of the house. But I didn't want to move, so I bought her out. Yes, I've never mentioned it here before, not mentioned it to many people but Ravenwolf walked out of that relationship with a lot of cash. A serious amount of cash. The house had gained enough equity that it was a 5 figure sum.

That was all she cared about, apparently. Getting the settlement. She also walked straight into another relationship which I suspect started a few months before the actual break up. I could never prove that so I never made an issue of it. But I still had my suspicions.

I was similarly angry for such a long time, before dismissing that anger to the place it belongs - not my head. Grudges are a cancer on the soul. They do nasty things to you. They twist you up and eat you from the inside. I have to admit that I'm no angel there but I've managed to put this particular hate/grudge to rest.

It really confuses me when people react the negative way. Perhaps the hate has become so much of a habit that she can't see the good. I like to think I helped her out over the years we were together, although I do know she was sinking deeper into a depression that I didn't know how to fix.

I have a strange type of empathy, I pick up on what other people are feeling. Sometimes it hits me like an actual blow. Like when someone I care about is hurting that bad, I pick up on it and feel sick to my stomach and I nearly get the tears too.

Other times I've had too much coffee and am bouncing off the walls so much I can't detect any glimmer of it. Then I say completely the wrong thing and upset people. Sorry !

But it did upset me a bit when Ravenwolf and I were waiting in the sandwich queue. I know she could see me but there was no glimmer of a wave or anything resembling friendship or even basic recognition. Come on - she got a clean break with the settlement she wanted and I left her alone after. What's to be upset about after 8 years.

Life is too short to keep enemies that don't need to be in that hostile group. That's the philosophy I applied to her new bloke, who plays for the cricket team I'm avoiding next year (they don't look after players). I think it shocked him when I took up our cricket based friendship without skipping a beat. Admittedly, I'd had 3 years out of the team to cool down ;-).

I do think my own reasons for agreeing to the split were correct. I was shocked but I too was looking for a graceful way out. I couldn't see a future in the relationship. I was needing to use my diplomatic skills rather too much to cover up for the partner. And I was running out of ideas for how to keep her out of her depression.

And most important - you have no right to force someone to stay with you against their will. That's ultimate cruelty.

I'll leave it there with me knowing that my own conscience is clear and it's not the reason I'm losing sleep at the moment ... (attempt at doctor visit coming again tomorrow)

PS There was compensation for not getting the grin from Ravenwolf. The Judge visited our place today and I got a Huge Smile from her. She was jealous of my hat (it was raining). I suspect a hug may have been coming if she hadn't been rushing for the train ...


  1. Oh, I gave up trying to understand women a *long* time ago. It's just not worth the effort or the heartache.

    But not even acknowledging your existence kinda stinks...

  2. Haha - it can be great fun sometimes trying to predict what they're going to do.

    Always doomed but usually amusing.


So much for anonymous commenting ... If you would like to leave a message and don't have a suitable account, there's an email address in my profile.