Thinking about - Other people

Saw something on FB today that I think I identify with :

I hope that's true for me. Your past defines who you are through how you have assimilated your life experiences but it doesn't mean you have to be locked in to it. I hope I've managed to assimilate the various major stuff that's happened to me, while not going down the Dark Side and have it forever dominate my destiny. The most recent major test of that was being able to play in the same cricket team as the fella who took up with my last partner ... and be civil.

I think being civil actually may have weirded him out. Lol :-)

Stuff over the last few weeks/months has made me revisit the past though. There's things there that none of the Bristol people know. Reason ? It would make them treat me different. Or would it ? I dunno.

Truth is, while I'm addicted to knowing Stuff, I recognise that the Secrets I know aren't all my own. I'll decide when I let my own secrets out, I don't have that right with the secrets of others. Hence all the codenames and the dropping of the codenames when I need to rationalise my own thoughts.

It is difficult though when events around you remind you of the past which you have left behind. And because those events are mostly about relationships, it's the relationships that dominate my mind at the moment. January seems to be a bad time for relationships, or is it the impending Valentines day ...

My sister has a new bloke in her life, who came to visit this last weekend. He's a good bloke, he can stay. But it made the family revisit quite a few things that we don't really talk about any more. There is some deep personal tragedy with our family from 20 years ago. We don't talk about it much but we very definitely Remember. And if/when the time comes that I get kids, there will be a special request to do with that Remembering. That's a decent time away, although it does crop up in my thoughts.

Relationships are the other major thing in my thoughts - although it's now about looking out for other people. I'm finding it strange that I've been getting used for advice and that I'm in a position to give that advice. You can see the pain in them, hidden behind the public face they want to put. There's also a reluctance to confront or accept what's happening.

I'm thinking there of a couple from the gamer world - I like to think I'm good friends of both. One of them managed to get me to sing on Mumble (not an insignificant feat) and the other has me swapping pooter stories. But ... as part of them breaking up, both are quieter. More subdued. And others are more subdued around them. It gets even more complicated on Facebook where Ex A and Ex B are now ex friends with each other, they're both more reluctant to talk to common friends. My reaction to both was along the lines "omg - say it ain't so", with that sent to both as I respect both equally.

I do it too - I'll have second thoughts about commenting in certain places because I know unfriendly eyes might be looking. But at the same time, I remember back to my own break up and my reluctance to spill the beans on what precisely the terms of the breakup were. I think that to expose the totality of it would have been rather spiteful. We don't have the right to say who another person should call Friend and I'd have been prejudicing those friendships.

I'm rambling again aren't I ...

I know a few people who are in pain at the moment. It's the pain of cracked or broken dreams and the strain of having to lock that away from the world in order to remain functioning. I've had that kind of pain three times in my past :

First - I made up a fantasy that let me keep going. It took me a long, long time to accept the truth there.
Second - I ran. And in the running, I cost myself the chance of the First Hons degree I should have got.
Third - I locked down. Which was as damaging as the fantasy and the running.

One thing common there is Communication. It's better to talk through a problem than to let it fester and bubble away in your head. For the three Dark times above, I didn't know who I could talk to. The issue boiled until the stress of it almost broke me.

It doesn't have to be that way.

Your friends have your back. Lean on them.