Too darn hot

Very hot in GB today. Well. Not as hot as it is in Phoenix today (some aircraft are grounded !) but we're not really equipped to deal with extremes of temperature here.

Actually, we don't do that well in cold weather either but that's mainly down to people being idiots on the roads and politicians being idiots with winter fuel allowances.

Anyway. This post is meant totally in jest, to poke a bit of humour at the hot situation here at the moment. Take none of it seriously ! This could go absolutely anywhere (there are no plans here!) And I hope there are more than a few chuckles in there.

I saw something horrid today.

Someone melted. In the street. It's true !!! They had the misfortune to be standing near a storm drain too. Poof ! Down the drain. I don't think we'll see them again. All that is left is a pile of clothes and a forlorn pair of boots. I think someone was attempting to phone the family but the mobile left behind in one of the pockets was scorching and .... welded itself to their hand.

Samaritan and phone are now waiting for an ambulance.

Good luck to them ! A white van man over there is looking very puzzled at his melted tyres. I hope the ambulance fares better.

I narrowly avoided a stampede earlier. It started with the sound of an ice cream van .... I think the ice cream man is now in a PTSD ward.

We have been warned away from going near Currys up at the Mall. A group from a council house estate have set up a primitive dome (with lots of fans) with a sign : "Aircondome". I hear the conditions are : "Two men enter !!! One man leaves with an air conditioner."

The trains are not moving. The rails have melted. Trains are stuck to the rails. One train even disappeared into the earth when the rails and the concrete underneath melted under the weight. There are sad tones of mobile phone ring tones coming from the deep. Yep. Crazy Frog has been buried.

Ice cubes are now more valuable than gold. More than platinum even !

A fight broke out at the local coffee shop when they announced that they were down to the last 5 cooler coffees.

Car parks with tarmac are now more hazardous than quicksand. I have actually seen with my own eyes (actually true, albeit 19 years ago) a computer sinking into the hot, melted tarmac. When they prised it out of the ground, there were four mysterious squares. Like the crop circle of the car park.

Aircraft are being grounded. They've been able to solve the tyre on tarmac problem but it is too hot for the engines plus the metal boarding ramps are scorching.

People have been evacuated from work due to the fire alarms activating. The sensors believed it was "OMG IT'S BURNING !" temperature.

Swimming pools are suffering extreme overcrowding.

Sardines are now laughing at the thought of these people crammed into the pools.

A UFO was spotted in orbit briefly. It scanned the country with a heat beam and the UFO is not to be seen any more. Psychically sensitive people went into a trance and chanted "Axlt Bbooolm". No one knew what they meant but the extreme heat rash that erupted on them suggested they were picking up extreme temperature.

On that .... a grocery store selling mercury thermometers was evacuated after the tops of the thermometers started flying loose. They were bursting on the pressure from the mercury filling up the tubes. A Hazmat team has been called to clean up the mercury but ... those melted tyres again. I think they're also asking for help from extreme conditions rescue personnel.

Mount Snowdon has become an active volcano and erupted again.

This fella looks cheerful but he may be the last of his kind. The erupting Snowdon incinerated the gift shop at the summit (Yep ! A mountain with a gift shop - and a railway) where he came from.

A swimmer was rescued from attempting to cross the channel. The lobsters had been taking turns to pinch them to test how well the swimmer was cooked in the boiling waters of the channel.

Splinter groups of our more extreme political parties are blaming the Venusians while others are campaigning for an orbital parasol to give us some shade.

Christian Priests are giving up their heavy robes for the lighter, airier garb of Muslim Imams in a show of religious solidarity.

Reservoirs have emptied overnight. The Lake District is to be renamed Death Hills. The people who attempt Land Speed records are looking at the dried out Lincolnshire Fens as their new flat racing ground.

Yep.

It's getting bad here and I am sure there are worse stories to come.

Hang in there and I hope you're close to air conditioning or fans !