Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Feeling the pain

Things are feeling a bit harder at the moment.
Definitely sleepy. And I don't think it's from having too much popcorn, although the Cafe Gusto steak went down well tonight.

Yep. Tired. This time of year is always tough for me. Probably a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder, where the lack of sunlight does funny things to your day night cycle. Today was a particular struggle with the sun buried behind thick dark clouds bearing rain all day. My day night cycle is pretty messed up anyway due to continuing insomnia. I think I'm sleeping better but it still feels like I'm doing more yawning than sleeping when I go to bed.

Yep, this is going to be one of those taking stock posts where I whinge about what's slowing me down. It lets me evaluate them and hopefully, figure out a way of overcoming them.

It seems to have been a good mental exercise over the years. But there is something to go with it ...

Identify your problems. Evaluate them. Don't allow them in any way to own you.

I had it in my mind to talk about Fear at some point. I've been described as "fearless" in my approach to things. YEAH I know !!! Weird huh. I wouldn't have used that word to describe how I tackle work. Insecure, procrastinating and timid yeah ... but not fearless. Perhaps that's coming from not wanting to waste people's time by waiting to tell them things. Or by not having any patience any more for procrastination, so I'll keep needling at people who don't respond. I did try to banish the fear when playing cricket, as you learn in that game that although the cricket ball is hard and scary, if you allow fear in then you hesitate and if you hesitate, you get hurt.

What's up at the moment ? I feel exhausted.

So much so that it's a factor in me procrastinating over going to see the Doctor again. My outsides are healing ... just very, very slowly and with a high chance of reverting to an earlier, worse state. But I suspect that in my current physical energy state, I would be signed off work for a week to rest and recuperate. Leave is not an option, I have a couple of days left only after reserving my days at Easter.

I don't want to have that time away, it just means a higher workload when I come back. I'm somewhat of a single point of failure at the moment, which is really, really bad. There's one thing being seen as a valuable person. It's another thing being the only person to be able to do a certain task. There is no such thing as indispensible though and anyone who sets themselves up as such needs a good kicking.

Pic ?

I also have pain from various areas, although that tends to randomly pick which place is sore and which place isn't. At the moment, it's a pair of calf muscles that want to tear themselves up every time I go up the stairs. I must have a fair old mineral imbalance from all the repairs that are going on at the moment.

At other times, it's my back. My shoulder and neck have been taking their turns too. A lot of that is cramp related. My hips are ruined, from the early stages of the problems with my outsides. Too much sitting on the floor. My left wrist has decided it doesn't want to have full movement at the moment (It's improving again, must have slept on it awkwardly).

Mentally, I'm being dragged back by my physical state. The conditions with my outsides are ... wearing. I think it's from being constantly aware of them. The various creams and things and bandages are helping but ... I know where the damage is and it constantly preys on my mind. If a small problem starts, I will know and it's likely to turn into a big problem before I can do much about it. And I also know that if I attack the problem area, then that sets back the healing even more. Imagine the guilt in my mind when I know I'm causing more problems ... yet you just can't stop.

Awkward yep.

So what's the plan ? How to fight the latent depressive feelings ? How to ignore the pain ?

I bug people. I now look for interaction with other people. I smile at people and hope for returning smiles. Those smiles make my day.

I do like to get smiles out of people, even if that goes as far as finding humour in all the wrong places. You know. Work places where we shouldn't be joking about some of the stuff we do. It's kinda like gallows humour but it does lighten the mood. It's necessary. Plus it opens up being seen as a little different instead of as a boring person.

I don't like being boring. Being different is interesting. Our differences make us stronger.

I do have a few remarkable people around me who tolerate my bugging of them. And they'll join in with that interaction that I hope cheers both of us up. I'm involved in a few online communities too via the Discord app. Some of those communities are better than others. Radderss' one is magic. All good people.

Struggling yes - but with good people to help me out.
Quite. Cya !

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