Saturday, November 01, 2014


Feeling both better and worse today.

Worse ? I had another go at my outsides this morning and they didn't appreciate it. They're doing better already but as always, the damage I can do in minutes takes days to repair. What I didn't say in the Psoriasis post is that I still have some Magic Gunk (aka Fucibet topical steroid) which helps the repairs happen. But that's enough of nasty stuff.

Better ?

Yeah, I was upset yesterday. Don't think I had that much right to be but I was upset anyway. But I don't stay upset for long. It brings to mind a line from Barbarella (that [in]famous scifi film with Jane Fonda) "An angel has no memory". So even though our angel Pygar has been tortured by the female lead bad person, he'll rescue her anyway.

So there's 2 aspects to our angel Pygar : love and the ability to forget. I think that may apply to me as well.

I can get genuinely angry at people but I don't like it and don't allow it to happen very often. Driving is a bit different because my attention is focused on :
Staying safe on the road - so my awareness is busier and I have less of a hold on the fiery aspects of me
Avoiding all the antics of the people who being unsafe on the road

Swearing does happen, lights get flashed, horns get hooted and I get way too excited.

I definitely don't stay angry. I do get frustrated but I'm definitely a live and let live person. You should never waste time on being angry for longer than any few seconds. There's been times when I've had the steam coming out of my ears on the cricket field but I steer that into playing better and leave it on the field. There are far better emotions to be aiming for. Like that Love emotion.

I know that if I did have any potential frustration with a partner, all it would usually take to make it evaporate would be something like a look, a smile, a grin, a laugh and suddenly that frustration or anger dissipates into far more positive feelings.

Yeah - I do miss having someone around. Mostly because I like to do things for other people. Partly because it's a moderating influence that keeps me pointed in the right direction. Instead of haring off down a path to frustration and depression, looking at the person I'd love reminds me of the good things.

And that's the thing. It's remembering what's important - why did you get drawn to your partner in the first place ? That's the permanent thing. The temporary thing is the source of frustration. Emphasize the permanent over the temporary. Remember the wonderful, forgive and forget the temporary negative.

With my 2 long term relationships, both ladies were interesting people to talk to, although Alyse had the better mind of the two. I'll be eternally grateful to Mad Alyse (her chosen nickname!) because she helped sort out my back as well. She supported me a lot, also took the sting out of my disappointment at not drinking enough to get in the cricket team (best bowler at trial, not at social therefore not in team). And Ravenwolf gave me someone to do nice things for (not just that).

With the person I was talking about yesterday - I think she peeked here and saw the frustration. I really hope that didn't ruin her evening. That's temporary frustration though, the permanent is that she has a continual power to make me laugh with her antics. That unpredictability makes me smile and the emotion and feeling makes me want to be around to give her the much needed hugs.

She's very quiet and covert in keeping an eye on me but is an amazing, wonderful person who I'd like to know better. That's the impression from everything I see and the instincts back it up too. And I think she'd like me too, if I could stay in the unpredictable Mad Pete mode that would keep her guessing too.

I feel I have to explain that frustration properly.

Outside of the 2 long term relationships, there's been a number of attempts. I've thought I'd been getting on really well with someone and then decide to take that next step of seeing if they'd like to know me better. To ask them out and so on. And I only do that if I think I have a reasonable chance of a yes. But whenever I do that, it feels like a wall of indifference slams down.

It's a pattern that I've seen repeated quite a few times and it's really damaging to the confidence. I'd be fairly ok with a "Sorry Pete, I've got other plans" or them saying they have their eye on someone else. But ... I typically just see total silence. If there was communication before, it ceases. Or the effort to communicate just isn't recognised.

I've written about that before with the ladies on Okcupid. I hope it improves. But ... what I remember is :

It will only take one very special lady. And then I'll be happy. It won't stop me grinning at everything else in sight, that's who I am. I like to make people smile. But there will be the very special smiles held in reserve for that one person who I know will keep me pointed in the right direction.

Come to think of it, I was quite happy in the shared house until the end when an irritating person found the right buttons to press on me to make me Angry. Ravenwolf gave me the impetus to get out of there and into this house. Perhaps the next special lady will see me escape this house and embark on the narrowboat ?

We shall see !

But I'll leave things there with a couple of appropriate songs. They're both Cardigans but I love 'em. The first is apt for that inability to properly connect with someone. It's called Communication. The second is more hopeful. It's about singles connecting. It's Song For The Leftovers. Both are incredible songs that touch your heart.

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