A healthy illusion

We all do that act quite well don't we ?

We see everyone around us as a glowing picture of health and we wonder - how come we're not like that ? It makes us feel bad that we're an odd one out who is being slowed down or otherwise compromised by the problems that we're carrying.

But hold on - there's a secret ...

Everyone has these problems !

Remember that.

But don't think of it as them handling things really well but you're not. It's just some people can maintain that illusion better than others.

Personally ? After the Zombie Patches healed and the bad bits could be hidden under clothes, I don't think many people realise how much of me was damaged. There's still a fair bit damaged but I'm hoping that it'll be all clear by Xmas (first time in over 3 years). But it's still a daily struggle for me.

Lots of people at work know now, cos I told them but what they see is my trademark Big Grin, my damaged hands when I show them and a definite struggle to start moving when I stand up. (Oh and occasional yelps when I upset my hip plus my attacks of the bad bits are ... noticed).

But it's what they notice - they notice the good and don't really see the bad. When people look at the lady who sits opposite my desk, they see a very beautiful, stunningly attractive woman. They don't see the pain I see in her eyes when the back pain gives her a reminder. With another, they see the energy but they don't see the difficulty she has in starting to move.

With a couple of my oldest friends, people see the Kick Butt 100% Competent ladies they both are. They don't see the doubts, the difficulties they both hide behind the Public Face.

We all do that too. We have a Public Face that we let the world see and a Private Face that says what we are really feeling.

One of my secrets is that when I'm in an empathic mode, I will see right through the surface and see the person within. I'll see the beauty within but I'll also see the pain. It's one reason why I see the hyperactivity as a mixed blessing. It's a fun ride but it makes noise which blocks the empathic senses.

I heard that someone I have a massive crush on has been having lots of problems lately. Chest infections and an energy debt that's meant she's had a lot of difficulty getting healthy again. I was shocked to hear that ! The Public Face didn't give any inkling to the problems. I guess that's one reason for that crush, because hiding the problems so well and presenting a Public Face that represents FUN, FUN, FUN and endless mischief means there's a lot of inner strength there.

That said, I'd have done anything to be nurse for this particular little lady. Being the person giving the hugs, bringing the soup (I'm rather partial to soup, not had any for ages !) and generally trying to lend a bit of my strength to help out the other person. I've not had much chance to do that lately and I kinda miss it.

That's what being partners is all about though. We enjoy each other and help each other out when we're struggling.

So how about me ? I've already said that my Public Face seems to be one of a bouncy, a little goofy youthful person who's a little too smart. And that it doesn't betray the health issues. But what's lurking beneath it ? I'll leave the skin trouble aside as I'm hoping I'm winning there. What else is slowing me down ?

My legs have been my strongest point yet they're very out of shape. I hit the trigger to Go Fast and the tank's empty. (There's a reason for that, I've not been using them enough, it'll come back).
My hips hate me - but only for a limited range of the total movement.
My diet is subject to allergies - I don't know what they are yet but I'm just about repaired enough that I can have an allergy test to confirm things like having to avoid orange juice.
My shoulder !!!!! I stops me bowling but it only affects about 5% of the movement range. No big deal.
Neck & Back - again, it's awkward now but as I normalise, I'm hoping it'll come back on its own.

For me, I'm not there yet but the prognosis is good. When I tried running on Saturday, everything still worked but it was just weak from disuse. I suspect that with the weight I've lost, I'd have a lot of fun zooming around a cricket field when those legs got conditioned again. I'm getting older chronologically but when I get the birthday donuts for the team in 2 months, I'm still hopeful that I can pull an under 30 guess out of at least 1 person when I ask for age guesses.

Did I mention that my Public Face has Kiddie Looks ? That said, I'm not a Milky Bar Kid any more. My shiny-blonde hair has darkened over the years and my ever present glasses aren't the NHS Big Plastic Rim style any more. Actually, I need another picture of that Public Face because the ones I have show ... chubby.

I guess I better close before I Wall Of Text too much ! Last message :

It's ok to struggle. We all are in our own way. Struggling, that is. Even the ones who look amazing, if she has an amazing figure then she may be hiding an eating disorder. The confident hyperactive (me!) may collapse in a puddle when he gets home. The Kick Ass lady who knows her job inside out may be riding the crest of a wave of doubt. The gym addict may be hiding a crippling self esteem issue (another reason I'm glad I have natural fitness!).

I know someone in Birmingham who is stunningly beautiful but has crippling issues with arthritis. She's staying strong and is earning lots of trust at work. You don't see the pain because the personality is so strong, in Public Face at least.

I'd like to have the chance to help someone out with their struggle. To be the person they turn to when they need a natter. To help someone frame the most difficult thoughts so they can sort them out into order and make sense of them. I talk a lot about my inner problems here (and I hope I don't bore you too much with them !) and it helps me sort out my own difficult thoughts.

But there are other problems I hide behind that Public Face which don't go here. There's a fair bit that doesn't go here actually ... and I'd appreciate someone to talk to about them.

We are stronger together*. Especially when we can drop that Public Face with someone we trust to see the Private Face. (And I do appreciate it hugely when my friends who trust me most let me in there)

*(A laughing PS - this is not a comment on the Scottish Independence vote. Although I do think they'd be mad to secede. Honest personal opinion : Scotland needs GB more than GB needs Scotland.)