What to write

Indeed ;-) (Warning - Deep Thoughts Post !)

I have something I could write but it's whiny and therefore doesn't deserve to see the light of day here. Except for a snippet ...

I have a couple of super powers ... The first is one I talk about a fair bit - the Contagious Grin. It's still getting victims ! Now if only I could get it down on camera ... Whatever selfies I take of me are ... screen shatterers. Let's be honest, I wasn't blessed with classic looks and I'm carrying a little too much weight.

I talk about what I notice about other people looking like, I've felt for a while that a little turnabout was required there. How do I see myself ?

Lazy - which I am. I'm rubbish at doing things for me but I'll drop everything to help others.
Intelligent - but that's like a massive supercomputer that can do lots of sums but doesn't know how to direct its power.
Bigger than I need to be - very true. I'm probably 1st heavier than I need to be but I'm still able to hit that Warp Speed. Well, when my legs will support that.

I'd rather be the shape (a little round!) I am than be one of those super pumped up gym addicts who would crush jars instead of just popping the lid off like the person asked.

A bit broken - isn't everyone ? I've been managing this skin condition for a few years now, plus I have the other issues with back, legs and shoulders. Do I let them get the better of me ? Rather die ;-) Very few people on the team have realised what I've been coping with, they just see me coming in day after day grinning at them and occasionally breaking the quiet with huge laughs and That Sneeze.

Very private - school gave me a certain type of armour that's been very hard to crack. I'm very good at filtering the information that I give out. Too much information leads to vulnerabilities that others can exploit. And you can rarely tell who the bullies are before they expose their tendencies. I write a lot here about me and occasionally about others but ... there are certain walls in place.

Other people's secrets are their own - and that determines the communication channels I use. Talking of that, I've just joined Twitter ! Ok, it was to do with getting messages to someone I know is on Twitter. The tally is @dwagonman - Sleepypete was already taken and I like Dwagonman.

What's brought this one on ?

It's that second super power ... I seem to have the power to make people Run Away Screaming. It's not everyone, just those who I express an interest in beyond simple friendship. I don't understand that. Perhaps its that old thing about Girls Prefer Nasty Boys. Maybe I'm too Good. That's not something I'm planning to change. But if ...

You see someone who you think is Perfect;
You send a few messages across, most based on info you've seen them put out;
You know they've read them and paid a little attention;
You get no reply whatsoever despite knowing they're active;
And they do stuff like delete profiles on online dating agencies the day after you get in touch.

I don't get that. It hurts and it's not the first time I've had a response that seems like someone's running away and doing the screaming thing. It does make you think that the person you thought was Perfect isn't. That's definitely been the case with the two major relationships I've had so far. I don't attempt to initiate stuff like that because I'm very picky about who I'd want to let in past that armour but when I do, it's whole hearted.

And I think that whole heartedness is what scares people away. It's like a switch that flips very quickly, too quickly, I can make my mind up about a person almost instantly and it's a switch that can flip on changing circumstances too. It's like a sixth sense. I'll fairly quickly know who I can trust. Or who I think I can trust (it's not a reliable instinct ! see 2 broken long term relationships comment)

I'll find someone truly perfect eventually. Perhaps I've met them already but was too shy to ask (I can think of a couple there). Perhaps they took an all too subtle approach for lack of interest. Perhaps like the PokemonGirl I was too fixated on someone else to pay attention to what was in front of me.

Doh - I promised a not very whiney post and then wrote all that which is up there ^. Oops. I can do some predictions but often the way people react is completely mystery.

What I can tell you is that if someone Special does bop me over the head and drag me off to her GirlCave, you'll see her mentioned here as MysteryGirl. And as another codename, depending on what I was writing about. Partner = MysteryGirl, what they do = other codename. It's a bit difficult to do that within the same sentence but I've definitely done stuff like that in the same paragraph, talk about the same person without suggesting any connection.

Oh one closing note - I've excluded the possibility of a relationship while I get better ... well, I may only be weeks away now. Cor ! Yep, there's still a few bits that are persistently resisting healing but those bits are reducing in number and needing less intervention.

Promising :-)

PS I also forgive quickly and completely - so if you're reading this and think you're the one I talked about - FORGIVEN ! :-) Hugs.