Random thoughts

Randomness today.

It feels like my brain needs to work through some stuff and I need to get that stuff out of the way before better posts can come again. But first .... a teaser ....

The leviathan wakes ?

Perhaps. Those pictures are for a later post.

Yeah, my brain is in a curious place at the moment. It's as if it's forgotten how to get joy. I think I know what's going on :

My conscious mind is fine. My unconscious mind is grieving. So while I can function and on the surface be my usual non-serious joking self, I'm not getting any joy from that or from what I'm doing. It's like going through the motions of what I'm usually like. People have mentioned that I look under more strain than usual.

I think I've mentioned this before, where my perception of something I'm watching or doing is coloured by how I'm feeling at the time. I'm happy - the film is amazing. I'm sad - the film is boring and poor.

It's a phenomenon that I need to watch out for in myself. A kind of reinforcing feedback loop that makes a poor mood worse or in the other side of it, makes a happy mood into something where I can be a bit too much, too hyperactive and upset people who aren't ready for that. I'd rather be happy bouncy than sad though.

I do feel a little odd though that I don't fall apart with grief like what the expectation seems to be. But then that's people dealing with it in their own ways. Our family is more about keeping going in adversity than having adversity stop us doing what we want to do. But I still have that guilt in me that suggests I should be grieving more. The little voice that suggests that something is wrong with me for not grieving more. I still grieve, just in my own way, with memories that are still clear and knowing my brain, will still be clear for decades to come.

Enough of that :-).

I got back on Friday night, indulged in a pizza (it was due), didn't have the ill effects when sleeping that I often get with pizza (hurrah!) and started a new Stellaris game.

There's been a new patch. And an expansion. I don't think I like it ..... there are a few too many bugs in there for my liking, bugs that should have been squished during the development. Most of the ones I've spotted are cosmetic in nature but I was seeing my economy fluctuate for reasons I couldn't pin down to events in game.

I'll give Stellaris a rest for a bit and come back to it after a patch or two. There are loads of other games out there to play. And books that apparently I forgot that I had bought .... Oops. Need to read those.

Yesterday was a few races on Motorsport Manager. It's a hands off game and I quite enjoy overseeing the races. It's a game that punishes errors but can give you big rewards for figuring out a good strategy. One of my core strategies is to reduce the number of pit stops my team needs and the last race of yesterday saw my team get its first win in the top tier. I think we won by 8 seconds ... having taken 2 pit stops fewer than 2nd place. A pit stop takes about 60-80 seconds in that top tier ....

We've been kicking butt at work too, clearing the throughput we have and getting things sorted so that other people can do their parts of getting things done. I can't talk too much about that though but we've definitely been getting things done.

I'm not getting much joy though, just a feeling of job done, what's next ?

That might be a snowpocalypse later in the week ... Another blast of cold air is coming from the North East. Where I live might be shielded by the rest of the country but I hope people don't get caught in it if it's as bad as is being suggested.

Who knows, there might be another chance to make a :

:-)

But yeah. Pictures of something awesome are coming;
I'll hopefully perk up around Wednesday evening time;
And hang in there, wherever you are.

If you're struggling, talk to people. Even if it's not about what you're struggling about. Talking to good people is always an excellent way to lift your mood. Try to bring out a chuckle from people, it'll bring out an answering smile in you too.

I think that's another part of my personality, a kind of watch dog that keeps me pointed towards seeing opportunities for fun stuff.

I knew another watch dog :

That's the beloved old man Scruff, seeking belly and throat rubs. Definitely a dedicated watch dog. The religious people who knocked on the door a long time ago were greeted by my mum and a Scruff who wasn't barking, he was rumbling. All the time with a helicopter wagging tail out of sight of said religious people. Would have ruined the image.

Better close now. The trip home for Thursday went well, I got to see family we hadn't seen in years and people from the cricket world from decades ago.