I feel like ...

Today's going to be a string of "I feel like ..."

... I should be travelling today.

Not gone back up norf to see the parents for a while. We were intending to head back for Father's Day but various things meant we did separate things. Mum & Dad had a respite (from caring for my nan) weekend, I had the sneaky Le Mans watching weekend. Various things have cropped up again since then, like this weekend's potential travel being canned mostly due to my bugs.

... I should probably go see doctors more. (Nevah!)

Monday was ok with these bugs, although I did start needing to do fake yawns to clear my sinuses and ears. Tuesday and Wednesday were the major handkerchief abuse days, with one or two people questioning why I'd come in. Why ? Cos I ignore illness wherever possible. I'd rather my body be in an active state than feeling miserable in a "I can't do anything - I'm worthless" state.

Being active, for me at least, keeps depression at bay. And if I'm away from a depressive state, I heal better.

... a plague victim

Ok, that's ManFlu-ing what I feel like :-). I still have the cough but it's manageable. I've been keeping very active this week at work (got a problem with gathering too much flexi credit - too many curious puzzles to investigate) but I fully intend to sleep for at least 12 hours. Yes. Deep restorative sleep is probably what the doctor would order (along with pills) and it's definitely what Dr Mad Scientist Sleepy is ordering.

... I'm hopeful that my cricket season isn't over already

When my leg infection started flaring up again, I was thinking "oh no - this is going to develop over the next couple of months - end of season for Sleepy". But it's actually reacted very well to a couple of doses of the Fucidin-H antibiotic/steroid cream. I wouldn't risk it in a game tomorrow but I'm hopeful that the reason it flared was due to my other bugs and that it's turned the corner in recovering.

... I'm in need of focusing on something new.

In the old days, that would be looking out for new games, new books, new tv series.
Games - just finished the latest DXHR play through and have nothing in the collection shouting "PLAY ME!" just now
Books - just devoured Invincible by Jack Campbell and same - looking for something new. I'm reading Firefox (novel of the film) by Craig Thomas to tide me over.
TV series - still got lots on the box to clear but I'm struggling for new stuff to watch. Falling Skies starts up again next week, that'll be worth watching.

Those are all distractions though. What I need to focus on is something far more real than that. And I really don't know where to look to find that at the moment. Been trying to get a picture for an online dating site (yes - really!) for a while now but my camera hates me. It's not recording the same face I see in the mirror. So - no picture yet.

And talking of image ...

... I'm in need of new jeans

I don't think I've worn my jeans for a good few weeks now. I tend to wear jogging type trousers in the evenings and jeans when I'd go out. Work uses suit type trousers or the jeans (smart casual type) on a Friday. Last Friday was different cos I was visiting the contractor's place. Today ? My jeans felt real loose.

And that's a really good thought to have. My jeans are 36" waist, my suit type trousers are 34" waist (stretchy). And the weight is still coming off.

... I should be eating something

Friday's are always a little strange. I like to aim for a half day at work to burn up some of that flexi credit. Last couple of weeks I've been escaping 3.30 ish. And then I have my lunch. So at 10.30pm ish, I've not felt hungry enough for dinner. I've had bigger than average breakfast, very late lunch, nothing since. However, I know I'll need to have something because if I don't, that restorative sleep will be ruined by IBS type acid.

The cookie supply is in danger.

... I need someone looking out for me.

I know a few people do. There's a bunch of people who are repeat readers of this blog (despite the walls of text!), I know you're keeping an eye on me and it's HUGELY appreciated. But it's things like having to take a day off work after the latest head injury and none of the work related people checking up. That really hurt. (Pokey-people excepted!)

Head injury + Living alone = Potential for unexpected serious A&E visit
That's why I got very worried about a colleague who got a bump on the head around Xmas time. If I'd known about that at the time ? Daily "are you ok?" "still ok?" "got bruise to show off?" "does it hurt if you poke it ?" messages. You shouldn't kid around with head injuries. Outwardly minor ones can turn Very Bad, Very Fast and the person with the injury may not be able to get to the help they need to stay alive.

Yeah - if my marbles hadn't been scrambled by being thumped anyway, I was in danger of hitting that Dark Place where you think "no one cares". And the Poke War of 2012 was one thing that kept that at bay.

... I need to avoid that Dark Place

Depression is nasty. If you're prone to it, you'll know what I mean. It acts as a negative feedback loop where if you get caught, every action or lack of action reinforces the depression. I suffer from it but try to keep it internal. It gets really bad news if you allow your depression to hurt other people, because the guilt from that hugely reinforces the depression. Self worth is the key. Anything that attacks that self worth will cripple someone prone to depression. So if I don't achieve my work goals - negative. If I don't feel I matter - negative.

I try and get out of my depressive cycles by grinning at everyone in sight. But it can be tough to raise that grin if you don't think anyone will appreciate it. (Finance Angel K and a few others in the new team are AWESOME for bringing out the grin).

... I've been rambling far too much.

I'd planned for travelling this weekend, so I don't have a huge amount of supplies. But I do have several packets of cookies that are in severe danger. And I'm about to watch Dodger videos which always make me laugh, grin and tear up with laughter.